The Appointment

So about my first therapy appointment…The therapist was probably late 50s-ish. I liked her and felt comfortable with her.  I told her that I just feel like I’m having an identity crisis, that I almost feel like I need to reinvent myself because for once in my life I’m nobody’s daughter, wife and now my role as a mother has drastically changed and I don’t know where to go from here.  She asked about my past and all that stuff and I told her  that I think I’m more emotional because I just started perimenopause.  She said – Oh yeah, that is definitely doing it and then she started telling me some stuff that she went through with menopause. She said that she has this really good book on it that helped her and that she’ll bring it for me next time.  She said that she didn’t want to take medicine for hers so she used the holistic/natural method to get through it and that’s what I want to do.  I've started looking into it.

 

She didn’t really give any advice on the empty nest, she just said that it is normal for me to grieve about it and to do things that make me feel good.  I told her about the emotional eating and she said the usual stuff that I already know – that I’m eating to fill a void and I have to find another way to fill the void. She said to worry about things that I can control.  Like, if I’m bored, I can control that. Instead of eating to find an activity to do so I won’t be bored.  She said to use the $ that I would spend on bad food to buy myself something that I want that’s not food.  She asked my thoughts on some stuff like about the emotional eating and how I feel when I'm going for the bad foods or overeating.  She said that when I feel the urge to eat for reasons other than hunger to journal about it, using I feel.  (Ex:  I feel like eating becasue I'm bored, upset, lonely...)

 

She asked where I want to go with the rest of my life and I said I didn’t know and that’s part of why I was there because I feel like I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t get out of.  She said that she thought I was on the right track and that I was very wise.  That made me feel better and like I'm really very normal and just going through life changes instead of losing it. 

 

I know that my mood will improve immensly if I start eating better and exercising again.  Now to only make myself do it...

 

The therapist asked me if I'd like to come back and I said yes, so she made me an appointment for 2 weeks.  I'll give it another shot.  The more information that I can be armed with for the rest of my life the better.  I'm going to set myself up to become the best me that I can be so that when the right lucky man comes along for me I can be ready.

 

Have a beautiful day.

What is happening????

I’ve been feeling like shit lately and almost feeling depressed – but yet not really, it’s a weird feeling.  I thought I was feeling bad because of empty nest and all of the stuff that I’ve been through in the past several years (mom died, lost job, divorce, empty nest, not knowing what’s next in life for me, entering perimenopause…) so I made an appointment to go to a counselor, I go this evening after work.

 

Well, I decided to look up the perimenopause symptoms because I’m noticing more and more things.  There was a list of 34 symptoms and here are the ones that I have:  irregular periods, fatigue, sudden tears/depression, increase in facial hair, joint pain, itchy skin, restless sleep, memory lapses. 

 

Almost all of the symptoms that I was blaming on me being depressed about empty nest syndrome are from me entering perimenopause!  I thought the sleep, fatigue, sudden tears/depression was from the empty nest combined with all of the other things that I’ve been through – but now that I look at those things combined with the other symptoms I think it is being caused by the perimenopause.  Here, I’m going to talk to a therapist about it and I probably should be going to the gyno! 

 

Did any of you have all of this stuff happen to you??

 

 I actually feel a little better already having discovered this information.  I’m still going to the appointment tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes...

 

 

Cozy Fall

I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't even been trying to lose weight/exercise since I've last posted.  I'm in a rut with it.  I did make an appointment to talk to a therapist - I go in two days.  I don't feel like I'm depressed or anything; I guess I just want someone to talk to who can put things into perspective for me.  I try to keep a positive attitude, and I do most of the time -  I just feel like I'm floundering around without any direction or meaning - especially with the empty nest and no significant other.  It's like what now??  All of this is causing me to emotionally eat.  I know the therapist will probably tell me to get out and meet new people and make new friends but I'm not a social person.  I've never really been the type to have a lot of girlfriends - just one or two close friends.  I'd rather keep busy doing something. The original idea was for that something to be exercise. I need to try again. I hope the therapy helps - even if only to vent.

On another note:  I'm glad that fall is here.  I dug out all of my fall decorations and decorated the house inside and out.  The porch is really cozy with pumpkins, gourds, mums, cornstalks and scarecrow.  We'll see if my neighbor copies me again this year - she always does...on my nerves...

I did some thrift shopping this weekend and bought a really nice nightstand for $10.  It was in great shape and was a great style so I snagged it and then painted it white yesterday and then lightly distressed it to match my cottagey-shabby chic style.  It came out great.

That's all for today.  I will post about the first therapy session in a few days.

This mornings weight = 242.6  :/

Where to go from here?

Todays weight = 238.6

I've been considering going to counseling for this emotional eating and to see if I can pull out of this  rut that I'm in. I think it may help to talk to someone about the emotional eating, empty nest syndrome and about all the life changes that I've been experiencing in recent years (divorce, loss of mother, living on my own for the first time in my life, entering perimenopause).  I think it would help to get someone elses perspective.  My health insurance pays for 4 free visits, that may be all I need.  If I choose to go longer I only pay $25/visit. Not too bad. I've been researching a few on the net becuase I want a woman that specializes in the issues that I have.  We'll see...

The weather here has been absolutely gorgous for the past several days.  It's really about time to turn of the a/c, throw open the windows and air out the house.  I've been itchy to decorate for fall but it's a little too early yet.  This weekend I've decided that I'm going to do a little shopping and treat myself to something.  IDK what yet, but something.  I'm due for a treat.  ;)

Changes

No change in weight - basically maintaining.  I haven't exercised in 5 days.  Ugh.  I know that I must but I can't seem to muster up the energy.  Tonight I'm going to force it because I know that I will not feel like it again this evening.  I seem to get motivated for a few days and then I'm right back in the pits again.  I get so aggrivated and frustrated with myself so why can't I stick to anything?  I see people out walking for exercise everyday in my neighborhood and I think to myself, "I wish that could be me."  WTF?!  WHY CAN'T IT BE ME?!?!?  IT MOST CERTAINLY CAN BE ME!  IT USED TO BE ME!

The weather has made a nice change to cooler and more fall-like with a gentle breeze.  Maybe I will walk outside this evening to get a whiff of the fresh air and to clear my mind.  We're supposed to have highs in the low-mid 70s all week and no chance of rain.  Perfect for walking.

My DD went to the beach this past weekend and I kitty-sat her precious 8 week old kitten.  He sure was good company for me and I enjoyed having him around.  I was like a mother hen to him and I'm actually surprised that I enjoyed him so much. He followed me all around the house and snuggled with me on the couch with his little purring and kitty breaths.  It made me feel good to have someone to take care of again.  I hate to see him go back today.  I thought about getting a kitty of my own but I don't know if I'm up for it; maybe if he could stay a kitten...

The changes of the season make me want to change some things with myself.  To try.  Yet again.

Sore

I did the Slim in 6 workout again last night and every muscle in my body is sore.  My fat ass isn't used to this.  I'm only on the easy start up exercises and it progressively gets harder and longer - 6 days a week for 6 weeks.  I know what is in store for me since I did the workout before when I lost 60 pounds.  I dread it but I know that this is what I need to do to get the weight off.  I must keep focused.  I must be positive.  Once I see a few pounds start coming off I'm hoping that I will start feeling better.

Todays weight = 242.2  I hate to admit it but I must face the truth.  :/

Like a Spider

There is a spider that lives in the outer doorway going from the inside of my house to my back deck.  I never see him, he only comes out at night and spins his web.  Every morning when I go outside I knock the web down with a broom and the next morning without fail, the web is back just as big and beautiful as the night before.  I know that he must work all night spinning that web, only to have it swept away by me every day. I must've gone through this ritual with the spider over 50 times but the spider never gives up.  You'd think that he would move to another location to spin his web, but no, he just gets busy again, doing what he needs to do, rain or shine.  I wish I had tenacity like that.  Funny where we get our inspiration from - a tiny spider.

I had a nice birthday weekend.  I pigged out and ate birthday cake and hopefully got it out of my system.  I forced myself to exercise yesterday, telling myself that it was the best birthday present that I could give myself - to get moving again.  I rummaged around and found my Slim in 6 dvds and did it plus the 15 minute stretching video.  I need something that is regimented, something that will hold me accountable.  I will do it again tonight with a positive attitude even though I'm struggling and have to do the modified moves.  I will keep in mind that I'm doing this for my own good.  Exercise is not punishment.  I'm doing this for myself. Like a spider.

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes.  :)