You Guessed it...

...I haven't been doing well.  Being MIA is almost always the tell-tale sign that we've been off track.

I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me why I'll be doing so well for a week or two and then I let one poor choice snowball until I gain some weight and feel like shit again. It's the same old pattern over and over again that I can't seem to shake.

There are several things that I have been letting bother me and I've been emotional eating becasue of them: 

Living alone for the first time during the holidays and not having much family around

Some financial stress

Finally being close to have enough $ scraped up so that I can get divorced once and for all after being seperated for almost 6 years

Still somewhat having the "what now?" feeling

I NEED to focus on me FOR ONCE.  Getting myself right inside and out.  I know this and I always say this and start with the best of intentions and then get sucked right back into the self-sabotaging vortex.  I need to dig deeper inside to find out why.

Dreams

 

 

I must be thinking about getting another man in my subconscious because last night I dreamt that I was running a 5k in only a t-shirt and my underware and I was so embarrassed.  Well, I was running and I ran into Carter Oosterhouse from HGTV!  He pulled me aside to talk to him and wasn’t phased about me being in my underware and he gave me his phone number and then I kissed him on the neck.  I ran away and was so freakin' excited that this hunky man was interested in me.

 

I woke up thinking that I dreamt about the underware because I’m worried about how other people see me and running because I need to exercise and lose weight to get a half decent man. This is a signal that I need to get in gear!

Self-Sabatoge?

 

Yesterday was my weekly weigh in day.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I actually gained a pound.  :(  I was doing so well up to Sunday and then I gave in to boredom and did some emotional eating.  Sunday is my worst day of the week - so long and boring and lonely. I planned on exercising but instead I just watched Lifetime movies all day. One of my mistakes is that I had this mix in my pantry for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and I caved and made them.  I thought that I could be strong and ration them out and eat only one after my meals for something sweet.  Wrong.  I had a mini binge on them Sunday night which totally ruined my weigh in.  I also ate the chow mein noodles that I had bought for the asian salad.  I'm a hog for chips and didn't have any so I ate the noodles instead because I was craving something crunchy.  I knew what I was doing while I was eating that stuff but I didn't stop. I knew that I was ruining my weigh in for the next morning.  I have to wonder if something in the back of my mind made me self-sabatoge.  Maybe I was thinking that I can't lose weight so why even try to have a good weigh in so I may as well eat.  I don't know... I must move forward with positive thoughts.  I threw away the rest of the cookies last night.  I know that I cannot be trusted with that stuff in the house so I must not buy any more.  It's like an alcoholic having liquor in the house.  Remove the temptation.

Last night was gorgeous out so after dinner I went for a nice long walk by myself.  It felt good to move and to get out in the fresh air and clear my mind.  It felt good to work toward my goal instead of doing nothing.  Today is another day and I must repeat these positive actions.

Asian Chicken Salad

I always like getting recipe ideas from other bloggers so I thought I'd share one with you.  I made the most amazing salad using this Kraft Sizzling Salads sauce and dressing. Above is a picture of what I made last night.

I used fresh spinach, mandarin oranges, chow mein noodles, sliced almonds, chicken breast sauted in the teriyaki ginger sauce and sprinkled with sesame seeds.  Then I used the toasted sesame dressing that comes in the pack.  Yum!  I'm going to have this again for dinner tonight.  There is alot of sauce in the pack, probably enough for two more times.  I will definitely buy this again. 



 I've been staying on track and plan to do alot of exercise this weekend.  Monday is weigh-in day.  We'll see..

Have a glorious weekend, everybody.

Feelin' Good

I'm feeling pretty good these days. 

It feels good to take care of me for once.  It feels good to have a plan and to work towards a goal.  It feels good to see progress.  It feels good to scratch some things off my to-do list.  It feels good that yesterday I took a vacation day and went shopping out of town with my daughter.  It feels good to treat myself to something other than food.   It feels good to be back on track.  It feels good to be me for once.  It feels good to be thankful for another day.

Move Forward

This mornings weight = 241.0.  I'm happy to report that I've lost 5 pounds since I got back on track.  Yay!

I've been working on gaining control of my eating and exercise.  I've been switching things up everyday with exercise so I don't get bored.  I feel more in control these days and I like it.

Several days ago I went for my second visit with the counselor and we continued to talk about the empty nest and emotional eating.  She asked me what I've been doing about it and then said to me several times, "You've got this!  You've got this!"  That made me feel good and like I'm on the right track.  I told her that I still have that feeling like I'm in a rut that I can't seem to get out of.  She said to imagine yourself in a rut with really high sides to the right and left of you and a road straight ahead of you.  What is the easiest way out?  To move forward.  LOVE IT!!!

Digging Myself Out

I feel like I may be digging myself out of the rut that I'm in.  I'm slowly starting to feel better and more in control.  I've been exercising and eating healthy lately and that has greatly improved my mood and outlook - not to mention more energy already.

I've been alternating different exercises to keep from getting bored.  I've done kettlebell and kickboxing dvds and last night I went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood.  It was chilly and getting dark but I bundled up and went anyway.  It felt good to get out in the fresh, crisp air.  There was a chilly breeze and I could smell leaves and fresh cut grass.  Love it - it's like aromatherapy.

I still have a problem staying away from the scale but I know that I need to so I won't drive myself insane with the daily fluctuations.  I'm happy to report, though, that I've had a loss for the past three days.  I weighed in at 242.2 this morning.  I know that the daily losses will not continue so I must stay away from the scale for fear of seeing a gain and then I'll be discouraged again.  I need to set a day once a week that I will weigh and just work my ass off all week to see a loss on that day.  It would be more exciting to see a bigger loss once a week anyway, rather than tiny losses every couple days (and, of course, the dreaded fluctuations).  I think I will set the weigh day for Monday that way I will have more motivation to stay in control over the weekend.

Straight after work today I go for my second appointment with the counselor.  I'm not sure if I want to continue to go yet, but I thought I'd give it another shot and see how I feel after this appointment.  I would like to try to talk about why I keep worrying about things that aren't even true, or things that I fear might happen.  That is where I keep sabatoging myself. I need to focus on today.  It's hard to focus on myself after I've put myself on the back burner for years; it almost seems selfish, but it's not.  I know that being the best me that I can be would put me in a better position to be there for my family, as well.

So, my goal for today is to get through the therpay appointment and to still get 30 minutes of exercise in even though I'll be getting home late.  I can do this.  One day at a time.

Maintaining (or regaining) Control

Sometimes (a lot of the time) I feel like I'm out of control.  Out of control with my life - not knowing what's next for me; definitely out of control with eating; out of control with more-of-the-same-feelings - like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of; out of control with worrying about things that haven't even happened yet - just scenarios that I make up in my mind that aren't even true - like I will be alone for the rest of my life, and I will always be fat so why even try to lose weight coz I'm only going to fail.  It's time to stop.

It's well past the time for me to regain control of my life.  I only get one shot and I'm letting fat dictate my future.  Why?  I'm the one that's in control.  I have the power to turn my life around for the better.  I have the power to be the best me that I can be.

I need to develop a more positive attitude.  I used to think that I had a pretty great attitude until I gained the weight back.  Until I became an empty-nester and suddenly found myself alone, fat and feeling unwanted.  I need to quit worrying about things that I have no control over and focus on the things that I CAN control. 

Here are several things that bother/worry me and what I CAN do about it:

Empty Nest - Continue to do things with my DD at least once a week, talking (more like texting) daily.  Realize that just because she moved out on her own that she is still my daughter, will always be, and still needs me, just in a different way.  Be thankful that we are still very close.

Pity party that I'm alone - Take advantage of all this free time to feather my nest and to continue working on myself inside and out so that when Mr. Right does come along that I will be the most amazing girlfriend to one lucky man.

Fat - Focus on one day at a time, instead of the overwhelimg big picture.  Discover new LF/LC recipes that I can make so I don't get bored with food.  Exercise at least 5 days a week that will help me to lose weight and also greatly improve my mood. 

Exercise - Look at it as somthing that I get to do, instead of looking at it as a chore.  Remember how I used to love to walk and how it was my me-time and would never fail to clear my mind - almost like meditation.  Be thankful that even though I'm obese that I have no aches and pains and my body still works for me.  Exercise to "give back" to my body.

Worrying about what I don't have -  Focus on what I DO have and what is going right in my life.  Write in gratitude journal daily.

Dreading the holidays now that I live alone -  Still decorate for the holidays and listen to holiday music.  I can still have people over for get togethers and baking parties with my DD and sister.  At Christmas time I can get out and look around in the stores (even if my shopping is done) to keep in the Christmas spirit.  Ride around listening to holiday music and look at Christmas lights.  Go to a play or choral concert with friends.  Create new traditions.

Just because my life is changing doesn't mean it has to be bad.  In fact, I can make it pretty awesome, if I try.

Starting to Feel Better

I've slowly started exercising again as well as taking vitamins again and getting my water in.  My pee is  clear again so that's good.  Over the weekend I walked outside, huffing and puffing, but that's okay.  I forced myself to keep up a brisk pace.  Yesterday I did the kettlebell workout and I'm sore from it today, but a good sore.  At least I know something is happening with my body.  I think tonight I'm going to do a kickboxing dvd.  Right now I'm going to just aim for exercising at least 30 minutes/day, five days/week.

I haven't slept well for about a week.  I wake up to pee alot and I toss and turn alot.  Last night was pretty rough.  I'm hoping that the exercise will help me sleep better.  I know that a large part of me not resting well is because I sleep with the tv on so I don't get the creeps (44 year old baby) and the light from the tv is not doing me any favors.  I've tried sleeping with music on low, the fan on, and other stuff but I get too creeped out in a silent, dark house alone at night.  Oye...something's gotta' give.

I made that baked potato soup that I said I was going to try and it is yummy and filling.  I will definitely make it again.  Yesterday it was only 45 ° for the high temperature and it was only 62° in my house so I broke down and turned the heat on. 

I weighed in at 244.2 this morning, down 1.8 from the last time I weighed.  I need to keep off the scale for a while so I don't get discouraged, maybe only weighing once a week.

Motivation is Returning

 

THANK GOD that I can feel my motivation returning!  I knew that I had to get it back somehow and nothing was going to get it back to me but me.  I've been scouring the internet and reading weight loss stories and blogs for inspiration.  I've also been reading low calorie cooking blogs trying to find some new things to make so I can eat healthy without feeling deprived.  It is only supposed to be in the 50s on Sunday and rainy so I want to make soup.  I'm going to give this recipe a try.  I've made several recipes from this site and they've all been good.

I'm going to force at least 30 minutes of exercise in each day this weekend, hoping that I'll feel so good that I go for more.  I've got to start making things happen again instead of letting the world pass my fat ass by.  I know that food is not my friend and I must stop looking at it as anything except fuel for my body but I know that it will take time to change my mindset.  I will journal about my feelings when I feel the urge to overeat.  I will reward myself with things other than food. I need to stop thinking (somehow) about food so many times a day.  I give food too much power.  I need to take my power back.

I've tried to talk to a couple of my girlfriends about weight loss and my struggles but they just aren't interested.  One is very overweight herself (alot heavier than me).  She doesn't say much; in fact, very little. I think that she is afraid that me talking about it will force her to face her own weight issues that she's not ready to confront.  That's why I like it here; this place is specifically for that.  I can talk about everything with no filter and get such great support.

I feel alot better lately with what I thought might be depression over empty nest/mid-life stuff.  I firmly believe it was all being caused by severe PMS or perimenopausal stuff. When I was feeling that way I was in the middle of having my period for 12 straight days!!!!!!!!!!!!  When that left, the symptoms left.  I've researched some natural stuff online (black cohosh and St. John's wort and a few others) but I'm not sure about trying it yet - especially since the symptoms have diminished.

One of these days I'd like to meet a man again that I can be with for the rest of my life.  Sitting in the house getting fatter will not lead me to him.  Now is the time that I should be working on myself, making myself better inside and out so that I can attract a mate when the time comes.  Lord knows that I have alot of free time so I need to use it to focus on being the best me that I can be.  You gotta have good bait to catch a good fish, right?

So, wish me luck success as my motivation returns. I'm starting to feel better.  It's up to me to turn things around. Only I have the power. I can do this.

I knew that I had to face the reality of what I am doing to myself so I finally got on the scale this morning.  246.  I can do this.

Mind Games

I feel like I'm playing mind games with myself.  I know what I need to do to get back on track but for some reason I can't seem to do it.  I know that I'm only sabatoging myself and that it's a battle that I'm fighting myself in my mind.  Why do I continue to do it when I feel like crap and know in my heart that eating right and exercise will help me to feel better inside and out?  Am I afraid off success?  Afraid of failure?  Too lazy?  Self esteem too low?  I keep telling myself that I will start tomorrow, but I never do.  I keep taking the easy way out and do nothing.  Meanwhile, I'm getting fatter and more unhealthy and this contrubutes to lower self esteem and more emotional eating.  What a roller coaster.

I know this is just a mind game that I play with myself and that I have the power to overcome it by changing my way of thinking.  SO WHY DON'T I DO IT????

What have you done to change your way of thinking so that you quit self-sabotaging?

ETA:  So after I posted this I hopped over to check out Bitchcakes' blog and she had a great post about this very topic.  She has the most amazing self confidence that just oozes right out of her posts.  Thanks Bitchcakes for giving me what I needed, right when I needed it.

The Appointment

So about my first therapy appointment…The therapist was probably late 50s-ish. I liked her and felt comfortable with her.  I told her that I just feel like I’m having an identity crisis, that I almost feel like I need to reinvent myself because for once in my life I’m nobody’s daughter, wife and now my role as a mother has drastically changed and I don’t know where to go from here.  She asked about my past and all that stuff and I told her  that I think I’m more emotional because I just started perimenopause.  She said – Oh yeah, that is definitely doing it and then she started telling me some stuff that she went through with menopause. She said that she has this really good book on it that helped her and that she’ll bring it for me next time.  She said that she didn’t want to take medicine for hers so she used the holistic/natural method to get through it and that’s what I want to do.  I've started looking into it.

 

She didn’t really give any advice on the empty nest, she just said that it is normal for me to grieve about it and to do things that make me feel good.  I told her about the emotional eating and she said the usual stuff that I already know – that I’m eating to fill a void and I have to find another way to fill the void. She said to worry about things that I can control.  Like, if I’m bored, I can control that. Instead of eating to find an activity to do so I won’t be bored.  She said to use the $ that I would spend on bad food to buy myself something that I want that’s not food.  She asked my thoughts on some stuff like about the emotional eating and how I feel when I'm going for the bad foods or overeating.  She said that when I feel the urge to eat for reasons other than hunger to journal about it, using I feel.  (Ex:  I feel like eating becasue I'm bored, upset, lonely...)

 

She asked where I want to go with the rest of my life and I said I didn’t know and that’s part of why I was there because I feel like I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t get out of.  She said that she thought I was on the right track and that I was very wise.  That made me feel better and like I'm really very normal and just going through life changes instead of losing it. 

 

I know that my mood will improve immensly if I start eating better and exercising again.  Now to only make myself do it...

 

The therapist asked me if I'd like to come back and I said yes, so she made me an appointment for 2 weeks.  I'll give it another shot.  The more information that I can be armed with for the rest of my life the better.  I'm going to set myself up to become the best me that I can be so that when the right lucky man comes along for me I can be ready.

 

Have a beautiful day.

What is happening????

I’ve been feeling like shit lately and almost feeling depressed – but yet not really, it’s a weird feeling.  I thought I was feeling bad because of empty nest and all of the stuff that I’ve been through in the past several years (mom died, lost job, divorce, empty nest, not knowing what’s next in life for me, entering perimenopause…) so I made an appointment to go to a counselor, I go this evening after work.

 

Well, I decided to look up the perimenopause symptoms because I’m noticing more and more things.  There was a list of 34 symptoms and here are the ones that I have:  irregular periods, fatigue, sudden tears/depression, increase in facial hair, joint pain, itchy skin, restless sleep, memory lapses. 

 

Almost all of the symptoms that I was blaming on me being depressed about empty nest syndrome are from me entering perimenopause!  I thought the sleep, fatigue, sudden tears/depression was from the empty nest combined with all of the other things that I’ve been through – but now that I look at those things combined with the other symptoms I think it is being caused by the perimenopause.  Here, I’m going to talk to a therapist about it and I probably should be going to the gyno! 

 

Did any of you have all of this stuff happen to you??

 

 I actually feel a little better already having discovered this information.  I’m still going to the appointment tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes...

 

 

Cozy Fall

I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't even been trying to lose weight/exercise since I've last posted.  I'm in a rut with it.  I did make an appointment to talk to a therapist - I go in two days.  I don't feel like I'm depressed or anything; I guess I just want someone to talk to who can put things into perspective for me.  I try to keep a positive attitude, and I do most of the time -  I just feel like I'm floundering around without any direction or meaning - especially with the empty nest and no significant other.  It's like what now??  All of this is causing me to emotionally eat.  I know the therapist will probably tell me to get out and meet new people and make new friends but I'm not a social person.  I've never really been the type to have a lot of girlfriends - just one or two close friends.  I'd rather keep busy doing something. The original idea was for that something to be exercise. I need to try again. I hope the therapy helps - even if only to vent.

On another note:  I'm glad that fall is here.  I dug out all of my fall decorations and decorated the house inside and out.  The porch is really cozy with pumpkins, gourds, mums, cornstalks and scarecrow.  We'll see if my neighbor copies me again this year - she always does...on my nerves...

I did some thrift shopping this weekend and bought a really nice nightstand for $10.  It was in great shape and was a great style so I snagged it and then painted it white yesterday and then lightly distressed it to match my cottagey-shabby chic style.  It came out great.

That's all for today.  I will post about the first therapy session in a few days.

This mornings weight = 242.6  :/

Where to go from here?

Todays weight = 238.6

I've been considering going to counseling for this emotional eating and to see if I can pull out of this  rut that I'm in. I think it may help to talk to someone about the emotional eating, empty nest syndrome and about all the life changes that I've been experiencing in recent years (divorce, loss of mother, living on my own for the first time in my life, entering perimenopause).  I think it would help to get someone elses perspective.  My health insurance pays for 4 free visits, that may be all I need.  If I choose to go longer I only pay $25/visit. Not too bad. I've been researching a few on the net becuase I want a woman that specializes in the issues that I have.  We'll see...

The weather here has been absolutely gorgous for the past several days.  It's really about time to turn of the a/c, throw open the windows and air out the house.  I've been itchy to decorate for fall but it's a little too early yet.  This weekend I've decided that I'm going to do a little shopping and treat myself to something.  IDK what yet, but something.  I'm due for a treat.  ;)

Changes

No change in weight - basically maintaining.  I haven't exercised in 5 days.  Ugh.  I know that I must but I can't seem to muster up the energy.  Tonight I'm going to force it because I know that I will not feel like it again this evening.  I seem to get motivated for a few days and then I'm right back in the pits again.  I get so aggrivated and frustrated with myself so why can't I stick to anything?  I see people out walking for exercise everyday in my neighborhood and I think to myself, "I wish that could be me."  WTF?!  WHY CAN'T IT BE ME?!?!?  IT MOST CERTAINLY CAN BE ME!  IT USED TO BE ME!

The weather has made a nice change to cooler and more fall-like with a gentle breeze.  Maybe I will walk outside this evening to get a whiff of the fresh air and to clear my mind.  We're supposed to have highs in the low-mid 70s all week and no chance of rain.  Perfect for walking.

My DD went to the beach this past weekend and I kitty-sat her precious 8 week old kitten.  He sure was good company for me and I enjoyed having him around.  I was like a mother hen to him and I'm actually surprised that I enjoyed him so much. He followed me all around the house and snuggled with me on the couch with his little purring and kitty breaths.  It made me feel good to have someone to take care of again.  I hate to see him go back today.  I thought about getting a kitty of my own but I don't know if I'm up for it; maybe if he could stay a kitten...

The changes of the season make me want to change some things with myself.  To try.  Yet again.

Sore

I did the Slim in 6 workout again last night and every muscle in my body is sore.  My fat ass isn't used to this.  I'm only on the easy start up exercises and it progressively gets harder and longer - 6 days a week for 6 weeks.  I know what is in store for me since I did the workout before when I lost 60 pounds.  I dread it but I know that this is what I need to do to get the weight off.  I must keep focused.  I must be positive.  Once I see a few pounds start coming off I'm hoping that I will start feeling better.

Todays weight = 242.2  I hate to admit it but I must face the truth.  :/

Like a Spider

There is a spider that lives in the outer doorway going from the inside of my house to my back deck.  I never see him, he only comes out at night and spins his web.  Every morning when I go outside I knock the web down with a broom and the next morning without fail, the web is back just as big and beautiful as the night before.  I know that he must work all night spinning that web, only to have it swept away by me every day. I must've gone through this ritual with the spider over 50 times but the spider never gives up.  You'd think that he would move to another location to spin his web, but no, he just gets busy again, doing what he needs to do, rain or shine.  I wish I had tenacity like that.  Funny where we get our inspiration from - a tiny spider.

I had a nice birthday weekend.  I pigged out and ate birthday cake and hopefully got it out of my system.  I forced myself to exercise yesterday, telling myself that it was the best birthday present that I could give myself - to get moving again.  I rummaged around and found my Slim in 6 dvds and did it plus the 15 minute stretching video.  I need something that is regimented, something that will hold me accountable.  I will do it again tonight with a positive attitude even though I'm struggling and have to do the modified moves.  I will keep in mind that I'm doing this for my own good.  Exercise is not punishment.  I'm doing this for myself. Like a spider.

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes.  :)

Still.

Still trying.

Still struggling.

Still gaining and losing the same 5 pounds over and over.

Still emotional.

Still hoping.

Never giving up.

I'm taking a long 4 day weekend off.  Monday (Labor Day) is my 44th birthday.  Omg, I'm getting old. 

A new month.

A new birthday year.

Another chance to get it right.

Rat Race

This mornings weight = 240.2  (I'm really surpried it's not more.)

Today classes started back at the university where I work, so the rat race has returned. 

I finally exercised yesterday.  I could feel myself slipping into a rut/semi-depression or whatever and I knew that I needed to get off my ass and start making stuff happen for myself.  The pity party is over. I knew that I would feel better to get out in the sunshine and fresh air.  I made myself start taking my vitamins again, too.  I'm sure that vitamin D and iron will help with my energy level, which seems to be non-existant.

I got up early yesterday morning and sat outside in the peace and quiet and watched the sun rise with a cup of coffee.  It was nice to just be.  Just to watch the clouds drift.  Then I walked for a mile in the park.  This park had hills and I was huffing and puffing with all of the weight that I'd gained back.  I thought back to when I lost the 65 pounds and got down to 179.  I would sometimes walk 7 miles a day and I had so much energy, now I feel like passing out after one mile. It makes me sick.  I'm the only one to blame. 

My DD invited me over for lunch and we visited for a while and then we went for a walk at a different park near her house.  It felt good to get moving again and to get out of the house.  Tonight I will force myself to exercise again for at least 30 minutes. I used to exercise every day religiously.  I was on such a good routine.  I would get home from work, eat dinner and then exercise.  I wouldn't allow myself to sit down and watch tv or get side tracked doing something else until I exercised.  That is when I was in the groove and the weight was peeling off nicely.  I'd love to be like that again.  What's stopping me, you ask?  Only myself.  I  know that I'm worth it - worth getting healthy, being fit, slim and attractive.  Why do I let food have control over me?  Food that makes me fat, unhealthy and lathargic.  It's not worth it.  It's SO NOT WORTH IT!  I know this and yet I continue on this nauseating roller coaster.  But not for long.

It's a great day to be alive.  Let's enjoy it!

Getting past it.

It's time to move on - away from this old life and on to what is waiting for me.  I need to stop dwelling on the past and open myself up to something new.  I thought I accepted change well; if so, why am I having such a hard time?  I was fine until my DD moved out and I think that's what triggered all of these other feelings.  I guess I feel like everyone I love is leaving me and those not-so-nice feelings of abandonment (even though I'm the one that left my ex).  TIME TO MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!

After writing the "fake" letters to my mom and ex and having a few good cries, I feel better having gotten all of that emotion out.  I know that I've gained a few more pounds but I haven't weighed in a few days, I can tell it in my clothes. I must force myself to eat right and exercise again so I can start feeling better with/about my body.  I know it will help relieve stress and clear my mind, as well.

Last evening I changed my bedroom around.  I have a king-size bed and there aren't too many ways to position it where I can have a nightstand beside it.  The way that I had it I would walk into the side of my bed upon entering the room.  It (my bed) was also right at the top of the staircase and was giving me bad vibes (and creeping me out) and wasn't good feng shui.  I used to think that stuff was crap but now that I'm more "aware" I believe in it and I want to create a positive energy in my house.  The way that I moved it now is much better and I even slept better last night instead of waking up several times a night like I used to, I think I only woke up once or twice.  That was a chore moving a kind-size bed and dresser by myself but I managed to do it.  :)

I hope to have much better things to report in the days to come.  Let's make it a great day.

Struggling

Weight = 240

I haven't even been trying to watch what I eat or exercise in the past week.  I've been struggling with alot of emotional issues that I think are tied to my empty nest syndrome.  Here is what has been going on:

Last night I was watching Extreme Makeover Weighloss Edition.  The man that was on there trying to lose weight brought up the subject of his mothers death.  This really hit home with me and I started crying uncontrollably.  A red light went off and told me that apparently I have unresolved issues regarding my mothers death.  When I thought about my mother I think that what bothers me the most is that I miss her and I'm so sad that she's not here right now to share her wisdom with me, to cook with and share her recipes that are only stored in her head and to see me and my daughter now.  I miss her terribly.  When I think back, right about the time that she got sick with cancer is the time that I started gaining all this weight.  I'm going to write a letter to her and pour out all of my feelings on paper to see if I can get it all out instead of keeping on stuffing my emotions down with food.

I think that I have unresolved issues regarding my failed marriage also.  I wrote a fake letter to my estranged husband telling him that I'm sorry that I couldn't be the wife that he needed me to be and that I forgive him and wish him well and have no hard feelings toward him.  I also thanked him for giving me a beautiful daughter.  It felt good to get it out on paper.  It's time to move on. I just feel like a failure that I was married for 16 years and couldn't make it work, but it takes two, I know.

Then there is the empty nest issue that I'm dealing with right now.  I know I need to find activities and keep myself busy, get out there and meet new people and all that good stuff...that is easier said than done for me.  I know if I don't deal with these issues that I will never be able to keep any weight that I lose off.  It's like putting a band-aid on a broken arm.  I need to go inside to fix it so that I can heal.  I thought about going to see a therapist but I doubt that I could afford it, even with my insurance so that's why I'm trying the letter writing thing and praying.  Addressing the problem is a huge start.  I'm hoping that I'm on the right track. ::fingers crossed::

Non-Scale Victories

This mornings weight = 236.4 

Down a little today - yay!  I'm going to force water and exercise today.  I think I may walk again this evening if it's nice out - there is a small chance of rain.

Last evening my DD invited me over for dinner - she made grilled pork chops, baked potatos, zucchini casserole - all delicious.  I only ate a small pork chop and that was big for me since I love grilled pork chops.  Then she busted out homemade apple pie with ice cream!  O.M.G.  First,let me say I'm so very proud of my 20 year old daughter making homemade apple pie with HOMEMADE CRUST, but when I tasted it... it was amazing!  I had a tiny piece with a tiny bit of vanilla ice cream.  Another NSV for me.  I could have easily eaten another helping of everything but I stopped when I was satisfied instead of full. 

After dinner we went to the park near her house and walked for 45 minutes.  It was nice to get out of the house and have supper cooked for me for a change but the best part was visiting with my daughter.

So, after all that I was pleasantly surprised to see the scale go down this morning.  Gotta keep the ball rolling in the right direction.  Let's make it a great day!

Two Steps Back

This mornings weight = 238.0  That was hard to own up to but I have to face the music. I did not exercise at all over the weekend and I did not eat well. I didn't eat junk food but I ate way too much. Anyway, the results are still the same.

I know I was emotionally eating.  I was thinking about how I miss my mom and my daughter and how I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I was even thinking about my failed marriage and what might have been.  I think all these feelings came up becasue I was bored and lonely. I did journal about it but it was after I had already eaten too much. I just needed to get those feelings out of me.

I kept thinking of Sunny telling me to "fluff my nest", so I did just that.  I dug out some different house decorations and rearranged some furniture.  I don't have money for a new comforter set so I flipped my reversable one on the other side.  I spiffed and freshened up the whole house the best I could with what I had.  I need to must quit dwelling on what was and make the most of today.  How can I move forward if my mind is still in the past?   It's holding me back emotionally and physically.  Time to shut down the pity party and make things happen and move onto the next stage of my life.  I know this is what I need to do but I'm not sure how to do it.  I do know that I need to focus on myself and being the best me that I can be.

Trying.

Todays weigh in = 236.2 This week I kept going back and forth between a couple of pounds and today I weigh exactly the same as I did last Friday. UGH! Nothing I can do but keep pushing forward. Monday is my official weigh in day and I'd love to be able to report a good number.

My eating has been great and I walked 2 miles yesterday and did about 10 minutes of kettlebell exercises. Wednesday evening I walked 3 miles, so exercise has been good, too. Still chugging water and eating 1300 calories or less a day. I don't know why the scale won't cooperate...

Thank goodness today is Friday! As usual, no plans for the weekend. I'm setting my exercise goal for the weekend for one hour each day. I NEED to see 235 on the scale by Monday. COME ON!!!

Have a great weekend! :)

Yummy Sandwich

Todays weight = 236.4

 

I made the most delicious sandwich yesterday, OMG, I am drooling thinking about it.  It is french bread with most of the inside torn out, pesto, grilled eggplant, tomatoes and a slice of provolone cheese then I put it on my grill pan weighed down by an iron skillet until the cheese melts so it makes a panini.  Delish! According to my calculations it is only around 396 calories.  (I found the recipe here.)

Tonight I'm walking in the park with my daughter for exercise.  Chatting and walking, chatting and walking...

Eat more, lose more?

I was frustrated to say the least when I got on the scale this morning only to see 237.0.  (Yes, up .6 from yesterday.)  I've been eating OP for almost two weeks, no cheating.  I've also been exercising at least 30 minutes, six days a week and chugging water like someone that has been in the desert and the scale has been steadily going up.  WTF???

So... I looked around on the net this morning and I think I may not have been eating enough.  WTH?  I found out my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR - the number of calories that your body burns at rest, just existing). Then according to how active you are, you come up with how many calories that you can eat a day to maintain (for me that is 2,466).  So, in order to lose weight you simply eat less calories than your maintenance calories.  I've been eating right around 1,200 calories every day for almost two weeks now, which I thought was great.  Was I wrong?  I just discovered this morning that is is not recommended to go 1,000 calories lower than your maintenence calories each day (for me that would be 1,466) and that you should never go below 1,200 calories a day, that is considered to be unhealthy.   That being said, and even though it seems very weird to me, I'm going to actually UP my calories to about 1,400 a day for a few days and see what happens.  Confused yet??  I know, me too.

I don't know if I'm on the right track or not, but I guess i will find out.  Have any of you ever come across this same thing?

Let's see how this little experiment works.  Wish me luck!

If you're interested in checking out the BMR calculator you can find it here.  Once you find your BMR you can check your daily caloric needs for maintenance here.  Then you can find your caloric intake to lose weight here.

Slow but sure

Todays weight = 236.4   Well, My goal was to hit 235 by today but I didn't make it.  I did, however, lose 1.8 pounds this week - so yay for that!

I got a little discouraged this weekend when the scale went up one full pound, for reasons unknown to me.  I know how the scale can fluctuate alot, so I didn't let it get me down and just kept pushing forward.  I know that I stayed within my calories (I didn't go over 1200) and I drank so much water that my pee is clear, and I exercised every day, so nothing to do but keep pushing forward.  I did alot of ab exercises this weekend and they are SORE.  I have abs in there somewhere, lol.

I didn't feel as bad when I saw that I'd lost 1.8 since last Monday so that's what I'm focusing on.  I'm also focusing on seeing 235 on the scale.

Hope you all had a great weekend, and here's to a great week!

The day we've all been waiting for...

... is finally here - FRIDAY!  TGIF for sure!

Not much to report.  My weight was exactly the same this morning, for some reason that aggravates me when that happens, it just seems so odd to weigh exactly the same two days in a row.  Better than a gain though!

My eating was OP yesterday and I did 30 minutes of random exercises in the house.  I've decided that Friday will be my day off from exercising, so YIPPEE! No exercise tonight!

I wanted to mention something I've noticed.  I used to get what I thought was a tension headache almost everyday at the base of my skull. Since I've been chugging water lately, I've noticed that I don't get these headaches at all anymore.  I've also noticed that my joints aren't as stiff after I sit for a while or when I get out of bed.  I'm sure this has to do with the water.  My body is probably like, "Finally, she is giving me what I need."  Would we do without watering our droopy plants that need water?  No.  So why don't we do the same for our body so that it can function properly?

I don't have anything planned for the weekend, just the usual house cleaning and laundry.  My goal is to get in a full hour of exercise on Saturday and Sunday.  No problem, I will just split it up into 2 sessions.  I'm not that far from my first mini goal of 235 so I hope to reach it by Monday.

Make it a great day and Happy Friday!

Long Week

I don't know about you but this has been one long work week for me.  I'm ready for the weekend!

Yesterday was another OP day with eating (I haven't gone over 1200 calories for a week) and exercising.  I've given myself the goal to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week.  Yesterday I didn't feel like walking so I just did random exercises (kettlebell, abs, stretching) in the house for 30 minutes while I watched Seinfeld.  I've gotten into the habit of watching the Seinfeld reruns that come on at 7 and 7:30, lol.

This morning I weighed in at 236.2.  I'm down 4.2 pounds in a week. Yay! This is the first time in forever that I have actually lost weight with TOM. :)

Let's make it a great, on-point day!

August Already

I cannot believe that it's August already!  Before you know it fall will be here.  The older I get the quicker time flies.  My mom warned me that would happen and it's true.

I'm happy to report that yesterday was another OP day with eating and exercise and water.  Yay me!  Last evening I did kettlebell excersises.  I'm using a 10 pound bell right now and I think I need to up it to a 15 pounder.  Since I've been eating more healthy and taking my vitamins I'm slowing starting to feel better and less sluggish.  Exercise definitely helps and I've noticed that my body is less creaky when I get up in the morning.

Todays weight = 236.8  (I know that I said I was going to avoid the scale for a few days since is TOM but I couldn't resist ;)  )

Keep on keepin' on

I've been staying OP with eating and exercise, tracking in sparkpeople, which is SO EASY.  Last night I did kettlebell exercises, I guess tonight I'll walk since it's so nice out.

I didn't weigh this morning 'coz I got TOM last night (joy) and am bloated and crampy.   I'm going to try to resist the scale for a few days and then hope for a whoosh when TOM is gone.

Do you know anyone that all they want to do is talk about themselves in run-on sentences where you can't get a word in edge-wise and they just seem to recite a monologue every time you're around them and as soon as you start to say something about yourself or TRY (in vain) to change the subject off of them they totally ignore you and keep on going and going and going....?  (How's that for a run-on sentence?)  You know who I'm talking about - someone who makes you want to stick a fork in your ear rather than listen to them drone on for one more second and when you FINALLY break away from them they leave you feeling like you've run a marathon, you're so exhausted just from listening to them??  OMG, I have someone around me like that and I can't take it.   I think that people like this must be too needy or insecure or something - why else would someone be like that?  It's like they have the need to be validated or something.

Let's keep on keepin' on and don't let the fat win!

Workin' Myself Back into the Groove

Literally.  I'm proud to say that I met all of the goals that I had for myself for the weekend.  One of my goals was to get my water in and I did it.  I drank ten 12 oz. glasses of water each day.  It is usually hard for me to drink water but I got out a cozy piece of stemware and loaded it up with ice, a slice of lemon and a cute straw and suddenly I wanted to drink it. 

My other goal was to walk 4 miles on both Saturday and Sunday.  Done.  So I wouldn't get overwhelmed with the walking I broke it up into two sessions - 2 miles in the morning and 2 miles in the evening.  I also did kettlebell exercises for 10 minutes in the afternoon.

THE BEST THING that I did over the weekend was to load the sparkpeople app onto my phone.  I love, love, LOVE it!  This may just be my saving grace.  I was so tired of counting points on WW (so tired of it that I couldn't bring myself to do it any longer) and I knew that I needed to keep track of my calories so I thought I'd give this a try.  It's so easy and the app is free!  All weekend I tracked my water intake, exercise and calories.  You just enter the food and it automatically calculates your calories, fat, carbs, protein.  This also comes in handy for me becasue I'm trying to up my protein.  If you're not familiar and want to check it out, the app is sparkpeople.com (of course you can do it on your computer, too).  My goal right now is to stay under 1200 calories and I'm happy to report that I did that, also. :)

Todays weight = 238.2 (-2.2)

Make it a great day!

Glorious Friday!

Yay for Friday!  I don't have any plans this weekend, just the usual house cleaning and laundry.  I do plan to get in alot of exercise this weekend though.

Yesterday was so hot here (100°) so I waited until 8:30 in the evening to go for a walk.  It was still in the low 90s and very humid but I thought I'd give it a try anyway.  I did 6 laps at the high school track and then it was dark so I went home and did a few kettlebell exercises.  This morning I was down exactly one pound on the scale.  I'll take it.

Since I have alot of free time this weekend I'm going to try to exercise twice on Saturday and Sunday - morning and evening.  There is no reason why I can't do this.  I used to get up at 7:00 in the morning just to go walking.  If I did it before I can do it again.  I know if I keep going long enough to see a couple pounds fall off I will start feeling better and my motivation will return.  I'm going to give myself 5 pound goals at a time so that makes my next goal 235.

For any of you that have lost a large amount of weight - do you know what I'm talking about when I say you get that obsessed feeling about losing weight?  That feeling that you have when you are eating on point, rockin' the exercise, feeling better every day with more energy than you've had in a long time?  I had that feeling when I lost over 60 pounds a few years back and I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THAT FEELING and I want it back.  I loved the feeling of being so excited to feel those little hunger pangs in the evening but not caving to eat anything else after dinner knowing that when I would weigh in the morning that the scale would show a loss.  Hell, I would actually be anxious to get on the scale.  I could tell just by the way that my body felt that I was losing weight.  That is the glorious feeling of getting healthy.  I must keep going until I get that feeling back. 

Make it a great day and stay positive.  :D

MIA

Yes, I've been MIA for a month now. I know, I know... How would anyone follow this fly-by-night blogger?  At this point I'm really just here to try to make myself accountable again.  I can tell you that nothing exciting has happened with me on the weight loss front in that time. :(  I'm struggling to find motivation and I know that when I blog I hold myself more accountable.

 I need to be here for motivation and inspiration. I know what I need to do, it all makes sense to me in my mind - but actually putting actions behind those words is a different story.  I know that I need to be healthy.  I want to be healthy, slim, fit, strong.  I want to be slim so that I feel good and have more energy, and yes, for vanity's sake, too.  I don't want to be old with ailments and on medication.  I see other people who are sickly and are taking meds for this and that and I'm so thankful that's not me, but if I keep on, it will be me.  I need to look better if I want to attract a mate (I've been single for over 5 years).  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I'm only 43 years old.  That's not too old to find a mate, is it??  Would I want a mate that is obese?  No, probably not.  At 240 pounds I weigh more than alot of men. O.M.G.  That is a sickening reality.

I emotionally eat. ALOT.  Recently, more than ever before.  I recently became an empty nester, and I think it is affecting me even worse since I'm single.  I'm extremely proud of my daughter and I don't worry about her but what I'm struggling with is my loss of idenity.  I feel like I don't have a purpose right now.  I'm nobody's wife/S.O., and my role as a mother has drastically changed.  I do enjoy my freedom, though.  It is nice to be able to come and go as I please without having to worry about rushing home to cook someone dinner and being able to do what I want without having to answer to others.  BUT, on the other hand, it is sad (is that the right word, idk...) not having someone home waiting for you, or needing you to some degree, or having someone that looks forward to seeing you at the end of the day.

I realize that I need to channel all this emotional eating and free time into exercising.  I could be using all this free time to exercise in the evenings and to go on long walks that will also help clear my mind.  I need to think of being an empty-nester as a positive experience and another step in the direction of my new life.

On another note:  I walked 2 miles last night with my DD and we chatted, which was nice.  What wasn't so nice is that I was walking on flat ground and was huffing and puffing. :(  I remember the days when I could walk so fast that I would practically be jogging.  Those were the days that I got down to 179 pounds. I must get to that point again.  The point where I'm excited about exercise and weight loss.  I can do this.  Again.

Finally Friday!

 

Happy Friday, people!

Well, today my weight is up (+1.6!!!) but I have myself to blame.  Last night for dinner I made panzanella salad and ate a huge bowl. Sounds fairly healthy, right? Tomatoes and bread? But, I also added LF feta cheese and kalamata olives. Yummy but high on sodium. Then I ate a Hershey bar. The whole thing. I used last evening as my no-exercise day. No wonder I had a gain. Today is another day. I must force myself to drink more water today and exercise. I was starting to feel pretty good but when I saw the huge jump on the scale this morning, it's like I got slapped back into Fatville.

This weekend I have a Pampered Chef party and a Tupperware party on the same day to go to. I'm not really into it but one is for my best friend and the other for my daughter, so obligation rules.

This weekend the weather is supposed to be great - sunny and mid-80's so I'm going to get some walking in outside.  Let's make it a great weekend so we have a good report for Monday morning. :)

Happy Summer

Happy first day of summer! Here on the east coast we're having a heat wave. It's supposed to reach near 100° today and tomorrow. I guess that puts me exercising inside.

Last evening I walked 3 miles on the high school track. Lord, I didn't feel like it; it was so hot but I told myself that I was doing 3 miles no matter what and I was happy with myself after I pushed through.

My eating has been good lately. I've (once again) cut out all soda, red meat and ALOT of sweets. I'm also working on eating nothing after dinner. Bob Harper said that your body enters fat burning mode about 5 hours after your last meal so that will put me in that mode about 11 pm and then all through the night. Yeah! He also says that you should go to bed hungry and should wake up hungry ready to eat a nice breakfast. I did this before when I dropped all that weigh so I'm going to do it again.

Another thing that I read in a book from Bob Greene called The Best Life Diet he said that you should try to think of/eat your meals like this: Eat breakfst like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. Great way to think about it. I really enjoyed this book and there is alot of great information in there.

Todays weight = 233.6

Keep it going!

Today I'm up exactly one pound. Wth. I know I didn't eat 3,500 calories over yesterday. It is what it is. I'll just keep pressing forward.

Last evening it was raining so I did my Bob Harper kettlebell workout dvd. I like him and he is not annoying like so many other dvds I've tried so I think I'm going to try another one of his. I'll look around this weekend and see what I can find - maybe a cardio one. I think I may also buy a 15 pound kettlebell, I have a 10 pound one now and I think I can go a little heavier.

I bought a pack of freeze pops to eat for something sweet when I get the urge. They are only 25 calories each but I have to watch I don't eat too many. I LOVE those things, like a little kid, lol.



Let's make it a great day!

Finding My Groove

Todays weight 233.0

I had a great weekend. I walked over 7 miles this weekend, plus did some kettlebell exercises. I stocked up on tons of healthy foods, too. My eating has been great for a week now, and I'm starting to feel better already with more energy. I did, however, eat at Red Lobster on Saturday. I had the broiled seafood platter with a tiny bit of rice and 2 of those yummy biscuits. 

I treated myself to a pedicure and then went shopping and bought myself 2 shirts, earrings, a pair of sandals and a lot of stuff from Bath and Body Works. It felt good to focus on me for a change.

Yesterday I had a big cook day. I made a bunch of stuff that I can eat off of all week so when I get home from work and I'm ravenous, all I have to do is heat something up. I made the most yummy fish packets yesterday with Tilapia, soy sauce, cajun seasoning, fresh spring onions and orange bell pepper.

I'm glad to be getting back into the groove again. It sure helps to see a drop on the scale, too - makes you want to keep going.

Hanging in there

I'm hanging in there with diet and exercise. I've been alternating my days all week between walking 2 miles and the Bob Harper kettlebell workout. Last night was the dvd. I finally tried the parts that I couldn't do before (pushups, mountain climbers, cliff scalers), I still couldn't do them right but I did what I could and I guess I will build myself up. My arms aren't strong enough to do those moves. I couldn't even do a girl push up on my knees. Baby steps. I do like using the kettlebell alot though.

Last evening after I ate dinner I wanted something sweet (of course) so I went for a skinny cow ice cream bar that I had in the freezer. I took two bites and decided that they weren't good enough to spend my calories on and I threw it away. In fact, I threw the entire box away. I don't need any trigger foods in the house. I also had a big bag of dehydrated mini marshmallows (like the kind that you put in hot chocolate) that kept calling to me so I pitched them in the trash too.  Today is payday so I'm going to stock up on produce and try a new fruit or veg that I've never had before. I always have the urge to snack in the evenings so I'm going to make kale chips again. I saw them in a magazine and made them a few times before and liked them. I am a chip girl. I would rather eat chips than a piece of cake or candy. I like putting garlic powder on my kale chips. If you've never tried them before you can check the recipe out here. So easy.

Since my daughter moved out 3 weeks ago and I now live alone I don't know if meals are harder or easier for me. In one way harder - it is easier to grab something already prepared or processed since I have nobody to cook for and that's not good. I have nobody to sit down and have dinner with so I want to eat on the go and so on.  On the other hand it is easier, I don't have to cook if I don't want to, I don't have to worry what someone else wants to eat - I can eat cereal for supper if I feel like it. Of course my grocery bill went down too. So, I'm really not sure about it yet. I do know that most of the time that I don't want to mess up the kitchen cooking for just me. Maybe I can make alot of things on the weekend that I can just heat up and eat through the week. I also find myself wanting to snack more since I'm home alone with nobody to talk to. I need to do a little exercise every time I feel like snacking.  I think I also need to try a few new recipes to switch it up a little.

I lost a little on the scale  - this morning I weighed in at 136.2.  As long as I'm moving in the right direction I'll take it. I have also gotten through the whole week with no soda! YAY!

My daughter and her BF started the Insanity workout 5 days ago and he has already lost 7 pounds and she has lost 3. Damn! They both said that it's the hardest thing that they've ever done but they are hanging tough. I'm anxious to see the results. Do any of you know anyone who has completed Insanity?

Here's to a great weekend! :)

One day at a time.

I'm trying desperately to regain my motivation. My eating was pretty good yesterday except I'm having a hard time drinking more water. Last evening I walked 2.5 miles outside. I enjoy being out in the the fresh air and sunshine. I think I will alternate days between walking and a dvd workout. I will aim for 6 days a week. I've started checking off the days on the calendar that I have on the fridge so that I can see how many days I've exercised that week, hoping that it will motivated me.

I weighed in this morning at 238.4. OMG! I have TOM but still... My daughter and her BF bought the Insanity workout and have just started it. I watched the infomercial for it and was looking at the before and afters. I weigh alot more than the men do at their "before" stage. Holy shit. I feel really gross lately, between being fat, a bad new haircut, same-old-same-old clothes, shoes, accessories. I need to treat myself to something new. I would always buy stuff for the house because it is easier than shopping for stuff for myself. I don't have to worry about trying it on or how it will fit. I would buy stuff for the house before I would buy myself something that I needed. I need to start making myself a priority. I scheduled myself for a pedicure this Saturday at the spa where my daughter works. I'll start with that. Maybe I will treat myself to a new pair of sandals to show off my pedicure.

One day at a time on the path to learing to love myself.

What does it take to get motivated?

I can't get motivated to save my soul! I'll do good for a day or two and then I will slide right back into the fat pit. The hell of it is that I know how good I will feel after a few days on track, of exercise, clean eating, vitamins, exercise... so what is my problem? Emotional eating is my problem.

How did I get and keep that motivation before when I lost 60 pounds? I must somehow find it again. I must do this for myself. I think before that I never really liked myself or I wouldn't have let myeself become obese. I've learned to like myself (I'm working on loving myself) and I want better for myself. I want deserve to be slim and healthy. After recently becoming an empty nester I've realized that I'm not so bad after all. It's time to move into the next phase of my life. It's time to find a mate to share the rest of my life with. And I know to catch a big fish you gotta' have good bait.

Kettlebell Workout

Well, I made it through the Bob Harper kettlebell workout last evening.  There were some parts that I couldn't do (mountain climbers and cliff scalers) yet but I did the rest of it, it lasted 50 minutes. I can see where this workout could really firm up your arms and abs. I like the video and can see myself doing it again without getting sick of it.  Bob is not annoying like some of the trainers on other dvds. I used a 10 pound kettlebell and this was plenty for a beginner like me. I think I will alternate this workout with some other type of exercise, I think it would be too much to do it everyday and my arms would turn to jello.

My eating was pretty good yesterday with the exception of me eating ALOT of corn nuts, LOL, of all things. I can see where this is a trigger food for me and that I should not keep them in the house. I tell myself that I will only eat a little bag at a time but it doesn't happen that way, they call to me from the cabinet and I cannot be trusted with them.

I must drink more water today.

Pushing On

I did not eat well over the weekend. I did, however, buy a new workout outfit and a 10 pound kettlebell. I've been wanting a kettlebell forever.  I have a Bob Harper kettlebell workout dvd that I found at Goodwill for $3.95. I will do my best at it this evening. Eating today has been on track. I can't seem to get my water in though.

I watched Extreme Makover Weight Loss Edition last night.  The man that was on there went through ALOT of rough patches (a breakup, death of a son) and he still lost 200 pounds in one year. He said that the key is learning to love yourself. I know that's part of my issue. I like myself, but I'm still learning to love myself. Pushing on...

Made it through another day

Last evening I forced a two mile walk.  I ate fairly well yesterday and saw another drop on the scale. (235.2)  Lord, help me through the weekend...

Return to Exercise

Well, last evening I swore to myself that I would exercise. It sure is hard getting in gear after all that time off. I did a 45 minute exercise video and I was ready to fall over by the time I completed it - but I did it. I keep telling myself to push forward through this first week because it is the roughest and I know the great feeling that is in store for me once I get over this hump. I keep thinking about how great and energized I used to feel after exercise and the excitement of seeing the scale go down. I know how good eating right and exercise can make me feel and I so badly want to be there again. I must keep pushing forward, one day at a time, until the feeling returns.

This morning I saw a drop on the scale. I weighed in at 235.6

A New Stage in My Life

Alot has happend since I've been here last.  The biggest one being that I'm now officially an "empty nester". My DD/best friend has flown the coop to move in with her BF. I think this is especially hard since I am single. I have been doing alot of emotional eating and have gained alot of weight since I've last been here.  (I weighed in at 237.4 this morning.) So that means that I've gained back all but 5 pounds of the 63 that I lost.

I've realized that this is a new stage in my life and it's time to get my ass in gear and create a life for myself which means losing weight, getting healthier, embracing my new freedom and getting out of the house more.  I've also realized that when I did the best losing weight is when I blogged. So here I am. Again.

Bombarded with spam

For the past week I've been bombarded with hundreds of spam comments! I've changed some settings so we'll see if this works. If not I may have to move to a different blog site :/

New Recipe

I used yesterday as one of my days off from exercising and went shopping after work. I walked for about 4 hours shopping so I guess that counts as something. I went to Costco and stocked up on healthy foods. I'm so proud of myself that I didn't buy any junk or eat any samples.

A woman at work gave me a recipe for Mediterranean Layer Dip. I made it last night and it was delicious! I didn't go by the measurements of the recipe, as it was quite complicated so I just did it on my own. Here is the jist of it, if you're interested.

Spread a container of store-bought hummus in a medium-sized shallow serving dish ( I used roasted red pepper hummus), top with feta cheese crumbles (enough to cover) add a layer of chopped fresh spinach (enough to cover). In a seperate bowl add the following: chopped fresh ripe tomatoes (seeded), chopped cucumber (seeded), chopped green and katamala olives, chopped roasted red pepper, juice from half a lemon, salt and pepper, a few crushed red pepper flakes. Mix and add to top of spinach. Top with chopped green onion. Serve with toasted warm pita chips.

I don't have the nutritional info since I just threw it together, I just guestimated. I mainly went by the nutritional info on the hummus container. If you like mediterranean dishes, this is FABULOUS! I have to watch I don't eat too much since the hummus is fattening.

That's about it for me, the weather is very cold here now so I guess I'm exercising inside this evening. Have a great, long weekend (off Monday for MLK day)! YAY!

Morning Exercise

My DD has been going to the gym at 6 am before she goes to work. Two days a week she goes to yoga class at 11 am and she even goes to the gym before yoga! She likes to have her evenings free for homework and whatever. She has inspired me to try the morning workout. So...this morning I got up at 5 am and did a 30 minute exercise dvd (Slim in 6) while my pot of coffee was brewing. It was a little rough getting going but I made it through and then I rewarded myself with a cup of coffee.

I must say that it did make me feel more energized to start my day and I know that I will like having my evening free tonight. That was a non-scale victory for me.

Will I workout every morning? Not sure, but I'm going to give it a try for a couple of days and see how it goes.

Anyone else work out in the morning?

Time for a change.

Time for a change for sure!

TIme to eat healthy.

Time to exercise.

Time to drink more water.

Time to think positive.

Time to be inspired by others.

Time to motivate myself.

Time to get things rolling in the right direction.

This mornings weight = 219.0. Down exactly 2 pounds and into a new decade. Now to keep things going...

Thoughts on Protein?

Well, I'm back on my way. The house is restocked with healthy foods and my WW info is out where I can use it - and I'm tracking again.

DD and I walked 2½ miles yesterday. I was out of breath walking up the hills but nothing that I couldn't handle or had to stop for. It felt good to get moving again and to work my heart and lungs. It's amazing how fast you can get back out of shape, isn't it? We also did a 10 minute ab video. It's not long but it is a killer. I felt like stopping close to the end but I pushed through and did the whole thing. Yay me!

It was so warm yesterday - like 60° and sunny. Unreal for January in Virginia. I sure did enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Now this morning we have snow flurries. Weird.

Thursday is payday so I'm starting back at the gym. I need to get some new workout clothes and a new pair of shoes. I will feel so much better to have something cute to work out in, plus it will make me want to work out more, too.



Anyone have thoughts on protein and weight loss? I keep hearing about how good it is for you, so I'm upping my protein through my foods and now also through my drink to see if I can tell a difference. Yesterday DD and I bought this protein shake powder. You can mix it with water or milk. I mixed mine with 1% milk this morning. it's actually pretty good, it tastes like chocolate milk mix, like Nesquick or something. It has 25 grams of protein per scoop. I was so full between a glass of that and a cup of steel cut oatmeal with bluberries (my new favorite breakfast).

Today I weighed in at 221.8. Down exactly one pound. It's a start in the right direction.

Retraining Myself

This getting back on track stuff is hard after so long. I know exactly what I need to do but my old ways keep calling me back. I must stay focused and keep strong. It is especially hard after work when I'm so hungry, I just want to grab something quick instead of waiting until I cook a healthy meal. Back to the planning out the meals and carrying healthy snacks to tide me over. I'm going to look up some low fat crockpot meals online.

Karen said for me to remember how good I felt when I was losing the weight before to keep me motivated. She is right. I loved the feeling that I had before when I would be so excited to wake up in the morning just so I could get on the scale to see if I'd lost any more weight (this is when the weight was coming off nicely). I don't know how to describe it, it was almost like a high or something. I want that feeling back again.

I'm going to WW tomorrow morning to face the music/scale and to learn the new PointsPlus 2012 program. What a pain in the ass that they keep changing it but I know that it works so I will give it a go again.

TGIF everyone!

What happened?

What happened that I gained 40 of the 60 pounds back that I had lost? I simply stopped trying. Here's the story...

Last year I started out pretty strong but I quickly started losing momentum and it went down hill from there. I got tired of counting calories, reading labels, exercising, telling myself that I couldn't eat this or that. So I started out just eating a little more and exercising a little less and before long I was out of control - again. I must say that I honestly did enjoy the break. Eating whatever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted was glorious for a while. I kept telling myself that I would get back on track on "Monday". Always Glorious Monday, but Glorious Monday never came. Oh, I had good intentions. I would get back on track for a day or two but quickly fall back off the wagon. I read Dr. Phil and Tom Green books on weight loss and emotional eating. I watched weight loss shows and read weight loss/fitness magazines to try to get inspired again. I even shelled out a chunk of money for five months of prepaid Weight Watchers coupons telling myself that this would keep me accountable if I had to report to the meetings and I wouldn't want to waste the money that I had already shelled out. Still, I found it hard to stay motivated and I didn't have the patience the learn the new program so it wasn't long before I blew that off, as well. I simply wasn't ready. But ready for what? To get slim and healthy? To feel better and have more energy? Why not??? WHY IN THE HELL NOT???

My clothes started getting tighter and I became more uncomfortable and I could only glance at my body in the mirror for a second, never a "full-on" look. I never would step on the scale, even though I knew I should to face the reality of what I was doing/had done to myself yet again. Then I used the excuse that I'd start after the holidays. After I had wasted 3/4 of the year why get back on track before the holidays? I always had an excuse at the ready.

Now the holidays are over. I faced the music and climbed on the scale and discovered that I had gained a little over 40 pounds back. I was not surprised at all. I knew where I was headed all along but somehow I didn't care. I had let food control me again. I could feel my fat rolls returning. I could feel my shoes getting tighter and see my disgusting swollen ankles. I felt sluggish and my joints felt stiff. I'm out of breath when I walk up the steps again. I had to buy larger clothes because the smaller ones (the same ones that I was so excited when they were getting baggy) were now too small. I had gotten rid of my "fat clothes" before because I swore that I would never be that size again and here I was with nothing to wear because I had become that size again.

I think back to where I was and how far I had come. I had started out at 242 and had successfully dieted down to 179. I felt incredible. I felt slim and strong and healthy, younger, more attractive, I had more energy. I remember how I was so excited because I was finally able to see my collarbone again. Well, it is gone. I think about where I could be now if only I had stuck to it. I was only 14 pounds away from my goal weight and I stopped. Why? I know that I was sick of dieting but why did I actually put the weight back on and not maintain? Was I self-sabotaging? Did I feel more secure hiding behind the fat? Did I feel that I would never be able to maintain the weight loss so I might as well just get fat again? Do I enjoy eating too much and let food control me again? Yes. Yes to all of it.

So that's the story. I came back to the people who have always supported me unconditionally and inspired me daily. I've talked to my daughter about you like you are a good friend that lives down the street. So, I'm reaching out to you for support and inspiration again. I have absolutely no doubt that I will find it.

Starting weight 222.8 (gulp). I can do this. Again.

Getting Back on Track

Boy, this getting back on track after a year of slacking is rough. I knew it would be but I did it many times before and I will do it again. I've been trying to catch up with old blogging friends and trying to get my blog set up the way that I want it in between my "real" work. I will post more later.

Day One - Welcome Back!

I'm starting over but yet I've been here before. About a year and a half ago I lost 60 pounds the hard right way with good ole diet and exercise. I got burned out and felt like I needed a break...so I stopped...and I gained 40 of those pounds back in a hurry. I'm embarrassed and ashamed but I'm proud to say that I never give up. So here I am. Again. It's a new year with a fresh start and a clean slate. I've made alot of friends and found great support here in the past. So I'm back. Let's get this thing rolling again.