Hanging Tough

I've been struggling lately but I'm hanging tough. I've been having some bizarre dreams lately and I think it's this emotional stuff trying to come out. But what REALLY is the emotional stuff?  IDK but I'm going to try to work on it this weekend, sitting quietly and thinking and writing stuff out. The only thing I can think of is about my fear of being alone/abandoned.  Not sure...

Last evening walking buddy and I got in a mile and a half; I would have liked to have gotten in more but she can't walk as fast as I'd like to so I have to keep her pace. I sure was pushing her though, she was huffing and puffing.  Having a walking buddy is a mixed blessing.  Came home from walking and watched a few more episodes of Downton Abbey.  I'm almost caught up to date now.  That show is GOOD!

I'm finally back to just doing my own job at work after covering for my supervisor for a month so I'm taking tomorrow off.  Not sure what I'll get in to but it will be nice to sleep in.  Saturday DD and I are going shopping out of town for house stuff.  She just moved into a new place and wants to feather her nest too.  It will be nice to have a change of scenery and spend the day with my best girl. 

Have a glorious weekend, all!

Where is the sun?

The weather here has been cloudy and/or raining for a while.  I'm so ready for the sun!  (11 days until DST, lol!)

Last night walking buddy and I walked a mile and half before it got too dark, better than nothing.  Came home and ate dinner and watched BL. 

 **SPOILER ALRET**  As usual I wrote down several quotes from the espisde that inspired me.  Here are a few that I chose last night:

• I have a choice today to change my life


• Take pride in yourself


• Fear can paralyze or motivate us


• Let go of things you can't control


• You gotta save yourself


• Make sure you do things for yourself first

And the best quote from Jillian to Gina:  "Everything that you give and do for other people, if you give and do for yourself the emptiness will go away."

Jeff and Jackson kicked ass at home on their own for a week!  I really like Jackson and his positive attitude,  I'd love to see him get slim by the finale (I hope he makes it!).  He and Danni are my favorites.  Sooo... we are stuck with the dreaded Gina for another week.  I could have slammed her when she won that challenge and was screaming and crying, arms and legs flailing all the way down from the top of the building.  I can't believe she is doing so well with the weight loss considering her shitty attitude, plus she is getting small to still be having those big losses.  It has to end sometime as I think that her newfound "positive attitude" will.

I didn't really care one way or the other about Alex getting the boot but she did look amazing and happy on her at-home reveal.  I almost didn't recognize her.  I'm SO EXCITED for makeover week next week, especially with TIM GUNN! (*Imagine Tim Gunn voice*  "Designers.." LMAO!)

**END SPOILER**

No much to report today, as you can tell.  Make it a great day!

Filling the Void

I lost .8 this week.  I'll take it.

Not much to report on the weight loss front.  I didn't exercise all weekend but I kept busy and on the go between cleaning and shopping.  I did ALOT of shopping over the weekend -  I didn't emotional eat but I filled the "void" with shopping.  (Is one as bad as the other?) I bought myself some workout clothes and I bought alot of stuff for the house.  I switched out curtains, moved some furniture around, put out new accessories, bought a new comforter and bedskirt.  I'm feathering my nest and it feels wonderful.  The house feels fresh and it's so girly.  Lord, help me if/when I find a man and have to put his "man stuff" in my house, lol.  As for now, I'm enjoying a prissy, girly house.

Tonight is walking with walking buddy again.  My new shoes gave me a blister.  I think they may be a little too big.  Damn.  I need a half size and they don't have half sizes in that shoe.  Too late to take them back either since I wore them outside.  Oh well, thicker socks, maybe?

The Woman in Black...

...has got to go.  I always wear black clothes.  I guess it's a combo of wanting to hide and thinking that a big body stands out less if it's not in bold colors, but I'm sick of it.  I don't want warm weather to roll around again and I'm still wearing black like every other year.  I know I will feel better if I wear more color so that's my goal for the spring, plus to get some more cute jewelry.  Last evening when I went to the mall for the shoes I walked by CJ Banks and saw that they were having a huge sale and I popped in on a whim and I found a few great deals.  I bought 2 metallic (a gold and a silver) sleeveless turtlenecks ($10 each! - regular $40!) that could be worn now under something or in the summer alone with a nice pair of dress pants.  I also found a cute short sleeve blue and white jacket (also $10 each - regular $60!) that could be dressy or casual.  This is not stuff that I would usually buy but I'm trying to go in a different direction so why not?

These are the shoes that I ended up getting.  I wasn't sure about the color at first, I thought they might look too mannish, but, again, I wanted something different and that would hide dirt and be comfortable when I work at the greenhouse.  The reviews on these were great and I'm hoping that they will make me feel so good that I'll want to walk miles and miles.  I'm going to try them out this evening.

I feel good focusing on myself for a change.  It's about time.  I'm working on my plan to be kinder to myself which will help with my emotional eating.

I CANNOT WAIT until the time changes (only 16 more days until DST!) and until it starts getting warmer.  February is such a depressing month.

New Kicks?

After work today I'm going to hit the mall in seach of a new pair of walking shoes.  I've been looking online all morning and I think I'm leaning towards a pair of Reebok ZigLites or Flex.  I'll have to see what is available at the mall.  The reviews on all are great so it will boil down to what's in stock and, of course, fit.  I'm hoping for a nice cushiony shoe that will make me want to walk every damn day, lol!  Wish me luck!

I'm still covering two offices at work; it's been a month now.  hopefully this will be the last week.  I can handle it but I feel like I need a long weekend or something.  Not much else to report today.  I'm off to see what everyone else is up to.

Just Believe

This week I only lost .2  Blah.  I know I could have done alot better but I let my tracking slip over the weekend.  I think know that I have a negative soundtrack that constantly plays in my mind and gets louder and louder at first sign of my slipping up.  I wish I could find the volume button, better yet, the power button to stop it from playing.  I know that alot of the self-sabotaging voices/thoughts come because I think of how I gained all of the weight back.  (You can't do this - why are you even trying?  You're just going to gain the weight back again!  Yeah, you might feel good now but you know that sooner or later you're going to slip up...) I need to believe in myself and tune the negativity out.  I struggle with this daily.  I think most of us do.  I must find a way to overcome it or I will never get anywhere and if when I do lose the weight again, it will surely come back on.  I'm my own worst enemy.  It's all a head game. 

I made a trip to Costco last night and bought a bunch of fish (I love their tilapia loins) and vegetables.  I'm going to make oven fish packets for dinner.  I also bought mango salsa to put on my fish for something different, but then I caved and bought a massive bag of tortilla chips (to eat with the salsa when I'm not putting it ont he fish, of course!)  I know that chips can be dangerous for me so I'll give my DD the majority of them when she comes over.  I am proud that I just looked at all the sweets and didn't buy ANY!

I also like Mel's idea of buying a Zero scale.  Hmmm...something to think about...

Liebster Blog <3

The word Liebster means "Beloved" in German and this award, presented to my by Sunny, is a show of love and support and to draw attention to bloggers with fewer than 200 followers.  Here's how it works:

• Each blogger with post 11 randon facts about themselves


• Answer the questions the tagger has set for you


• Nominate three new bloggers


• Come up with 11 questions for your nominees


• Go to their page and inform them they've been nominated


• No tag backs!

Now, the 11 random facts about myself:

1.  I was married for 16 years.  We separated after 9 years for 4 months, got back together for 7 years and then split for good in 2007.  Still not divorced.  (I can't afford it and he won't initiate it.  Gah!)

2.  I played clarinet for a year in junior high school (Dork!)

3.  I love to thrift shop and to buy old furniture to repaint/refinish to match my shabby/cottage/vintage style.

4.  I've worked weekends at a greenhouse in the spring for the past 3 years and plan to do it again this year.

5.  I'm an introvert/homebody who would rather spend a quiet evening in rather than a night out on the town.

6.  I lost 63 pounds in 2010 and have since gained it all back, plus a few more.  :(

7.  I grew up in Pennsylvania and moved to Virginia in 1989 at age 20.

8.  I recently bought a Canon DSLR camera with a couple of different lenses and plan to take a photography class this summer.

9.  I love to read - especially magazines.

10.  I was on TV once.  I was on a kid show called Romper Room when I was about 5 or 6.  (Anyone remember that show?)

11.  I enjoy gardening - flowers and vegetables.

Any now Sunny's questions for me:

1.  What is your favorite color and why?  I don't have a favorite color, I like alot of colors but I'm currently loving aqua and pink becasue it goes with my shabby decor.

2.  Morning, noon, or night; favorite time of day?  Morning is my favorite time of day.  I love watching the sun rise, hearing the birds sing, drinking that first cup of coffee and wondering what the new day holds for me.

3.  Mountains or beach, and why?  Beach.  No question.  Why?  The smell, the breeze, the waves, the relaxation, the beauty, the mystery of what lies beneath.

4.  Favorite method for losing weight?  Weight Watchers.  It helped me drop the weight before and I know it works.  I used to belong, but no longer, although I still follow the program on my own.

5.  Favorite Type of exercise?  Walking.  Doesn't cost anything and it clears my mind.

6.  If you could invite 4 living, famous people to dinner, who would it be?  Oprah, Johnny Depp, Paul McCartney and the Dalai Lama.  (Wouldn't that be an interesting dinner party?)

7-9.  Favorite 3 TV shows?  Biggest Loser, American Pickers, Downton Abbey

10.  Top 2 favorite musical artists?  The Rolling Stones and Eric Clapton

Done!  Wow, that was alot of work so I'm going to stop here and choose not to nominate anyone.  I hope you enjoyed reading random facts about me.

Yay for Friday!

I cannot tell you how glad I am that today is Friday!  This has been one long week.  Funny how the days seem to drag on yet but the weeks and months fly by.

Todays weight = 249.6.  The damn half pound that I lost yesterday is back. UGH!  I've been back and forth between one pound all week.  I hate that.  My weekend goal is to bust through and get to at least 248.9 by Monday weigh in.  My eating was on point yesterday and walking buddy and I walked a mile and a half last night.  A NSV that I am proud of this week is that I've exercised for 6 days in a row so I'm taking tonight off.  It's going to be glorious to sleep in tomorrow morning.

We are expecting cold, windy weather this weekend with a maybe a little snow flying around so I may be forced to exercise inside.  I'm still sore from the Bob Harper workout, I know it's from the squats and lunges because I can really feel it in my legs and butt when I bend to sit down.

That's it for me.  Have a great weekend everyone!

Challenge Yourself

 As much as I love walking I know that I need to push myself hard a couple of times a week to get this weight off.  Walking is good and I know it can burn calories to a certain extent but I keep thinking about how many times I've heard/read about how you must keep pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone in order to change your body. More of the same doesn't cut it.  Last evening it was raining so the usual walk was off so I broke out the Bob Harper kettlebell workout dvd. For 45 minutes I lifted, swung, squated, lunged, stretched and sweated. My heart was beating out of my chest at some points and I was breathing like I was running a race but I felt GOOD.  I kept imagining that I was a contestant on the biggest loser and that I couldn't stop. It was very challenging and yet very refreshing.  I felt really good afterward.  I'm a little sore today but I'm glad because that tells me that I'm moving in the right direction.  I was rewarded with a .6 loss on the scale this morning.  

My plan is to switch it up during the week alternating between walking, kettlebell and my Slim in 6 workout, which is also very challenging.  The walk days will be my "easy" days and letting my body recover from the "hard" days. 

So, today is Valentine's Day.  Big whoop when you're single.  Even when I was married it was never really a big deal.  One of the bosses brought me in a little heart-shaped box of chocolates that probably has 6 or so pieces in it.  I haven't cracked it and I'm not sure if I will with the plan to ration a piece out daily (that could set me up to hog out on all of them at once) or if I will just discretely give it away.  Someone across the hall came over and told me to help myself to some homemade chocolate pie that she made this morning and brought in for VD.  I thanked her but politley declined and stayed at my desk and ate my banana.  Yay me.  Another NSV.

Tonight is walking with walking buddy.  I can't believe this is her fourth time!  I always let her ask me first, too.  I'm looking forward to some fresh air this evening.

I must stay focused.  I like this feeling of being in control.

Mid-week

Thank goodness this is the halfway point through the week.  Work is still keeping me very busy covering two offices.

Last night walking buddy and I walked for 35 minutes in the park and got about a mile and a half done before it got too dark.  I'm really shocked that she is keeping at it and doing as well as she is.  I'm glad too.  She wants to lose weight but doesn't really know what do do but start moving.  I want to help her but I don't want to come off like I'm telling her what to do/come on too strong, either.  It's a fine line.  I tell her tidbits here and there and then kind of ease back to see her reaction or it she'll ask questions.  I know that she doesn't eat well but I told her to only worry about one thing at a time, for now that is to get moving; later when she's ready she can start working on her eating habits; that way she won't become overwhelmed.  I keep thinking back to when I started on this journey and how I changed little by little so I wasn't overwhelmed.  Plus, it takes a while to learn healthy ways- it just doesn't come all at once.  I hope she sticks with it. 

When I got home from walking I made another BIG SALAD (lol!)  for dinner and I cooked a piece of sirloin steak.  I don't usually buy beef but I had a piece in the freezer so I sauteed onions with it and I just started whipping stuff together and it was SO GOOD!  I added Worstershire sauce and a little tomato paste to the onions.  Damn, was it good.  I ate half of the steak, which was 3 oz., and planned on saving the other half for this evening's dinner.  I could not resisit that tender, tasty meat and I ended up eating the other half, too.  The hell of it is, is that I had already placed the second half of the steak in a container and had it ready to go in the fridge, but I took it out and ate it!  Hog.  I felt guilty afterwards and I thought for sure I was going to have a sodium gain this morning from the Worstershire sauce and tomato paste but I was pleasantly surprised when I only gained .2 this morning.  That should peel off, plus some, by tomorrow morning.  I was disappointed in myself for not resisting the urge though.

I wrote this message on the chalkboard in my kitchen:   Don't give up what you want most, for what you want now. 

Tonight's plan is more walking outside if it's not raining and if it is, some sort of exercise video and kettlebell arm exercises no matter what.

Hope everyone is staying on track.

The Big Salad

This morning I've entered into a new decade - the 240's (for about the 3rd time!) New mini goal 245.  When I think about how many times I've been here I could puke, but... all that matters is now.  I have to focus on NOW.  The past is no longer. Today is all there is.



Last night me and the walking buddy did 35 minutes.  She was able to walk at a brisker pace last night so we covered more ground in less time.  We did about a mile and a half.  I came back home and watched Seinfeld and ate a big salad and some strawberries for dinner.  Everytime I eat a big salad I think about Elaine on Seinfeld and how she always ordered a big salad at the diner.  Love me some Seinfeld.

Who watched Biggest Loser last night?  If not - **SPOILER ALERT**  How about that food temptation challange last night?  How about Alex stuffing that food into her mouth and ACTUALLY GAGGING because she didn't think anyone could see her?  OMG.  I don't like her or Francelina - her hair is so damn distracting.  I think my favorites right now are Danni and Jackson.  I thought that spotlight challenge was pretty cool and would have liked to have been in on that one.  **END SPOILER**  I exercised through all of the commercials for the first hour (I thought of you Sunny).  I told myself I would do kettlebell exercises for my arms and before I knew it I was doing kettlebell swings and squats, too.  Yay me! I have got to try to drink more water this week.

That's it for today.  Let's make it a great day!

Walking...

I'm happy to report that I lost 1.2 pounds this past week. 

The walking buddy that I told you about last week asked me to go walking again after work this evening so that's good that she wants to give it another go.  I'm surprised, really, but glad.  The weather is very mild today - like 55 so it will be very nice for walking.  I walked by myself Saturday and Sunday, it really clears my mind.  Yesterday I tried to do this yoga video that my DD gave me and I could only do like 1/3 of the moves and then I finally gave up on it as the moves became progressively harder.  Yoga is not made for a 250 pound woman...

I stayed up late last night watching the Grammys and it was hard to get up this morning.  No turning in early tonight either since it's Biggest Loser night!!!  I can't wait.

Now I'm off to see what the rest of you are up to.

Oh, Happy Friday!

I cannot explain how relieved that I am that it's Friday; this has been one long week.  Covering two offices for over two weeks now has really kept me hoppin' and so far there is no end in sight.  I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend.



So last evening I met up my friend and we walked for about 40 minutes in 35° weather.  It was actually refreshing and we had a nice time chatting.  This was my friends first time walking so I had to walk a little slower than I normally would have but that's okay.  I'm curious to see if she'll want to go again.  She said that she enjoyed it and couldn't believe how good she felt afterwards and was surprised that exercising actually gave her energy.  It felt wonderful for me to get out in the fresh air.  It's like therapy for me and it clears my mind.  I can exercise inside but that gets old to me quick; walking outdoors is the only thing I never tire of.

My mind has been going non-stop lately thinking about where I am in life and where I want to be.  I'm content with my life but not happy.  I want to be happy.  I've been working on the inside for the past several years, spiritually and emotionally, working on being happy with who I am, because I know that we create our own happiness, it is not a destination, like they say.  I've come so far, but my journey will never end.  I want the outside of me to match this "new inside" of me.  I want a makeover for this next phase of my life.  I want to be slim and confident with the way that I look.  I don't want to avoid ceratin situations because of the way that I look.  And when I get to this point, I know that I will attract Mr. Right and I will have lined myself up inside and out to have a wonderful, real, lasting adult relationship.  I can't wait to see what's in store for me this year. Life is what I make it.  I'd better get busy.

Make it a great day.

Get Moving!

Time to get my ass moving again!  I just looked on the calendar and there are only 30 more days until Daylight Savings Time and the days become noticeably gloriously longer.  Of course I had to count down the days until spring, too - 41!  It will be here before you know it!  Unsually once we hit March, spring is here in a flash.  Every year I say that I want to slim(er) by warm weather - and I usually fail.  It's time to get my ass moving again!  The clock is ticking!  What am I waiting for?? I used to LOVE to exercise when I lost over 60 pounds 3 years ago.  I keep trying to think of how I got to that point of actually loving to exercise.  How did I get from being able to only walk 10 minutes at a time to walking up to 7 miles a day?  How did I get that obsessed feeling and HOW DO I GET IT BACK?  I've just got to keep eating right, move my body, start feeling better and watch the scale drop.  Repeat.  That's how I got that groove/feeling before and that's how I will get it again.

A friend of mine asked me to walk with her tonight.  She is obese and has never walked before and wants to give it a try.  I can tell that she sort of  wants to make a change but she's not sure if she wants to do the work that it takes to get there.  I just told her to ease into it slowly and that we'll walk and chat and see what happens.  I hope that she likes it and that we can inspire each other.

Speaking of inspiring each other...  I want to thank all of you amazing women for being here for me on a daily basis, putting up with my highs and lows and never failing to inspire and motivate me or to slap me back into place.  Thanks for all of the laughs and wonderful advice.  Thanks for making this a place that I look forward to come to for the support that I need.  <3 

This place helped me lose the 60+ pounds three years ago and I know it will do the same for me again.

Stressed out!!!!!!!!

I had a bad day yesterday.  I backed into one of those yellow cement thingys that keep you from hitting stuff yesterday in the parking lot at work and did some damage to my car.  I took it for an estimate this morning and it was $1,810.  It’s not smashed in or anything, just scraped a lot of parts.  I have to cough up $500 deductible and it will take a week to fix my car and then I’ll have to drive a rental for a week.  Shitty timing, too, cause I just changed insurance companies to get a lower rate.  I have it booked for repairs the week of the 18th.

 

Then last night I got my tax prep back and I OWE $625 to the IRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I changed my deductions at work to have more taken out so I won't have to pay in again next year– then that’s a smaller paycheck.  K  It’s always something. Since my DD moved out I don’t have any deductions now and I don't own a house anymore.  My salary is just enough that I don't make good money but I don't make bad money either.  UGH!!! It's always something. 

 

It's hard to handle all this pressure being alone and single, no one to lean on for support.  On one hand I feel good being able to handle everything on my own and being independant, but on the other hand, it would be nice to have help once in a while, too. Nothing to do but keep pushing forward, doing the best I can and hoping for the best.

 

I wish it was spring.  I miss the sunshine and the warm air.

Emotions Running High

I'm still at it, although not as strong as I'd like to be.  I have that rut feeling again and I don't know how to shake it.  I don't know if it's hormonal or what because why do I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling great and having this feeling of being stuck in a rut?  Anyway, I don't like it and I'm trying to shrug it off.

I watched Biggest Loser last night, that's always good for motivation.  During the show I decided to write down things that the contestants or trainers would say that I could read over and over to keep me motivated.  Here are a few that I like:

• Don't come from a place of fear.  Fear is what got you where you are now.


• Get sick of being afraid.


• The best way to lead is by example.


• Take your fear and turn it into hard work and dedication.


• My life is in my hands.

I need to channel my emotions from being a lonely empty-nester into exercise instead of repressing them which in turn makes me want to get off track.  I think it's even worse becasue I'm single.  I'd like to meet someone but in order to meet someone half decent, I need to get myself into shape.  It's a vicious circle that I need to get out of.  I think the key is to rechannel these emotions elsewhere.  Now to do it.  I put a post-it with motivational phrases on it on my bathroom mirror so I can read them over and over when I'm getting ready for work.

I've been having to fill in for my supervisor at work in addition to being slammed at my own job and I've been feeling quite overwhelmed for the past week or more.  Alot of the stuff that I'm working on in my own office has tight deadlines and then filling in for my supervisor (who works for a very busy VP) has definitely kept me on my toes.  So far so good though and I believe this is good experience for me to line me up for something else down the road.  Looks like my supervisor will be out for a while, too; she had to go out of state to visit her father who is pretty close to being on his deathbed.

The weather is a little warmer today so I might get out and walk this evening.  I think some fresh air would do me good.