Still trying.
Still struggling.
Still gaining and losing the same 5 pounds over and over.
Still emotional.
Still hoping.
Never giving up.
I'm taking a long 4 day weekend off. Monday (Labor Day) is my 44th birthday. Omg, I'm getting old.
A new month.
A new birthday year.
Another chance to get it right.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rat Race
This mornings weight = 240.2 (I'm really surpried it's not more.)
Today classes started back at the university where I work, so the rat race has returned.
I finally exercised yesterday. I could feel myself slipping into a rut/semi-depression or whatever and I knew that I needed to get off my ass and start making stuff happen for myself. The pity party is over. I knew that I would feel better to get out in the sunshine and fresh air. I made myself start taking my vitamins again, too. I'm sure that vitamin D and iron will help with my energy level, which seems to be non-existant.
I got up early yesterday morning and sat outside in the peace and quiet and watched the sun rise with a cup of coffee. It was nice to just be. Just to watch the clouds drift. Then I walked for a mile in the park. This park had hills and I was huffing and puffing with all of the weight that I'd gained back. I thought back to when I lost the 65 pounds and got down to 179. I would sometimes walk 7 miles a day and I had so much energy, now I feel like passing out after one mile. It makes me sick. I'm the only one to blame.
My DD invited me over for lunch and we visited for a while and then we went for a walk at a different park near her house. It felt good to get moving again and to get out of the house. Tonight I will force myself to exercise again for at least 30 minutes. I used to exercise every day religiously. I was on such a good routine. I would get home from work, eat dinner and then exercise. I wouldn't allow myself to sit down and watch tv or get side tracked doing something else until I exercised. That is when I was in the groove and the weight was peeling off nicely. I'd love to be like that again. What's stopping me, you ask? Only myself. I know that I'm worth it - worth getting healthy, being fit, slim and attractive. Why do I let food have control over me? Food that makes me fat, unhealthy and lathargic. It's not worth it. It's SO NOT WORTH IT! I know this and yet I continue on this nauseating roller coaster. But not for long.
It's a great day to be alive. Let's enjoy it!
Today classes started back at the university where I work, so the rat race has returned.
I finally exercised yesterday. I could feel myself slipping into a rut/semi-depression or whatever and I knew that I needed to get off my ass and start making stuff happen for myself. The pity party is over. I knew that I would feel better to get out in the sunshine and fresh air. I made myself start taking my vitamins again, too. I'm sure that vitamin D and iron will help with my energy level, which seems to be non-existant.
I got up early yesterday morning and sat outside in the peace and quiet and watched the sun rise with a cup of coffee. It was nice to just be. Just to watch the clouds drift. Then I walked for a mile in the park. This park had hills and I was huffing and puffing with all of the weight that I'd gained back. I thought back to when I lost the 65 pounds and got down to 179. I would sometimes walk 7 miles a day and I had so much energy, now I feel like passing out after one mile. It makes me sick. I'm the only one to blame.
My DD invited me over for lunch and we visited for a while and then we went for a walk at a different park near her house. It felt good to get moving again and to get out of the house. Tonight I will force myself to exercise again for at least 30 minutes. I used to exercise every day religiously. I was on such a good routine. I would get home from work, eat dinner and then exercise. I wouldn't allow myself to sit down and watch tv or get side tracked doing something else until I exercised. That is when I was in the groove and the weight was peeling off nicely. I'd love to be like that again. What's stopping me, you ask? Only myself. I know that I'm worth it - worth getting healthy, being fit, slim and attractive. Why do I let food have control over me? Food that makes me fat, unhealthy and lathargic. It's not worth it. It's SO NOT WORTH IT! I know this and yet I continue on this nauseating roller coaster. But not for long.
It's a great day to be alive. Let's enjoy it!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Getting past it.
It's time to move on - away from this old life and on to what is waiting for me. I need to stop dwelling on the past and open myself up to something new. I thought I accepted change well; if so, why am I having such a hard time? I was fine until my DD moved out and I think that's what triggered all of these other feelings. I guess I feel like everyone I love is leaving me and those not-so-nice feelings of abandonment (even though I'm the one that left my ex). TIME TO MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!
After writing the "fake" letters to my mom and ex and having a few good cries, I feel better having gotten all of that emotion out. I know that I've gained a few more pounds but I haven't weighed in a few days, I can tell it in my clothes. I must force myself to eat right and exercise again so I can start feeling better with/about my body. I know it will help relieve stress and clear my mind, as well.
Last evening I changed my bedroom around. I have a king-size bed and there aren't too many ways to position it where I can have a nightstand beside it. The way that I had it I would walk into the side of my bed upon entering the room. It (my bed) was also right at the top of the staircase and was giving me bad vibes (and creeping me out) and wasn't good feng shui. I used to think that stuff was crap but now that I'm more "aware" I believe in it and I want to create a positive energy in my house. The way that I moved it now is much better and I even slept better last night instead of waking up several times a night like I used to, I think I only woke up once or twice. That was a chore moving a kind-size bed and dresser by myself but I managed to do it. :)
I hope to have much better things to report in the days to come. Let's make it a great day.
After writing the "fake" letters to my mom and ex and having a few good cries, I feel better having gotten all of that emotion out. I know that I've gained a few more pounds but I haven't weighed in a few days, I can tell it in my clothes. I must force myself to eat right and exercise again so I can start feeling better with/about my body. I know it will help relieve stress and clear my mind, as well.
Last evening I changed my bedroom around. I have a king-size bed and there aren't too many ways to position it where I can have a nightstand beside it. The way that I had it I would walk into the side of my bed upon entering the room. It (my bed) was also right at the top of the staircase and was giving me bad vibes (and creeping me out) and wasn't good feng shui. I used to think that stuff was crap but now that I'm more "aware" I believe in it and I want to create a positive energy in my house. The way that I moved it now is much better and I even slept better last night instead of waking up several times a night like I used to, I think I only woke up once or twice. That was a chore moving a kind-size bed and dresser by myself but I managed to do it. :)
I hope to have much better things to report in the days to come. Let's make it a great day.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Struggling
Weight = 240
I haven't even been trying to watch what I eat or exercise in the past week. I've been struggling with alot of emotional issues that I think are tied to my empty nest syndrome. Here is what has been going on:
Last night I was watching Extreme Makeover Weighloss Edition. The man that was on there trying to lose weight brought up the subject of his mothers death. This really hit home with me and I started crying uncontrollably. A red light went off and told me that apparently I have unresolved issues regarding my mothers death. When I thought about my mother I think that what bothers me the most is that I miss her and I'm so sad that she's not here right now to share her wisdom with me, to cook with and share her recipes that are only stored in her head and to see me and my daughter now. I miss her terribly. When I think back, right about the time that she got sick with cancer is the time that I started gaining all this weight. I'm going to write a letter to her and pour out all of my feelings on paper to see if I can get it all out instead of keeping on stuffing my emotions down with food.
I think that I have unresolved issues regarding my failed marriage also. I wrote a fake letter to my estranged husband telling him that I'm sorry that I couldn't be the wife that he needed me to be and that I forgive him and wish him well and have no hard feelings toward him. I also thanked him for giving me a beautiful daughter. It felt good to get it out on paper. It's time to move on. I just feel like a failure that I was married for 16 years and couldn't make it work, but it takes two, I know.
Then there is the empty nest issue that I'm dealing with right now. I know I need to find activities and keep myself busy, get out there and meet new people and all that good stuff...that is easier said than done for me. I know if I don't deal with these issues that I will never be able to keep any weight that I lose off. It's like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. I need to go inside to fix it so that I can heal. I thought about going to see a therapist but I doubt that I could afford it, even with my insurance so that's why I'm trying the letter writing thing and praying. Addressing the problem is a huge start. I'm hoping that I'm on the right track. ::fingers crossed::
I haven't even been trying to watch what I eat or exercise in the past week. I've been struggling with alot of emotional issues that I think are tied to my empty nest syndrome. Here is what has been going on:
Last night I was watching Extreme Makeover Weighloss Edition. The man that was on there trying to lose weight brought up the subject of his mothers death. This really hit home with me and I started crying uncontrollably. A red light went off and told me that apparently I have unresolved issues regarding my mothers death. When I thought about my mother I think that what bothers me the most is that I miss her and I'm so sad that she's not here right now to share her wisdom with me, to cook with and share her recipes that are only stored in her head and to see me and my daughter now. I miss her terribly. When I think back, right about the time that she got sick with cancer is the time that I started gaining all this weight. I'm going to write a letter to her and pour out all of my feelings on paper to see if I can get it all out instead of keeping on stuffing my emotions down with food.
I think that I have unresolved issues regarding my failed marriage also. I wrote a fake letter to my estranged husband telling him that I'm sorry that I couldn't be the wife that he needed me to be and that I forgive him and wish him well and have no hard feelings toward him. I also thanked him for giving me a beautiful daughter. It felt good to get it out on paper. It's time to move on. I just feel like a failure that I was married for 16 years and couldn't make it work, but it takes two, I know.
Then there is the empty nest issue that I'm dealing with right now. I know I need to find activities and keep myself busy, get out there and meet new people and all that good stuff...that is easier said than done for me. I know if I don't deal with these issues that I will never be able to keep any weight that I lose off. It's like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. I need to go inside to fix it so that I can heal. I thought about going to see a therapist but I doubt that I could afford it, even with my insurance so that's why I'm trying the letter writing thing and praying. Addressing the problem is a huge start. I'm hoping that I'm on the right track. ::fingers crossed::
Monday, August 13, 2012
Non-Scale Victories
This mornings weight = 236.4
Down a little today - yay! I'm going to force water and exercise today. I think I may walk again this evening if it's nice out - there is a small chance of rain.
Last evening my DD invited me over for dinner - she made grilled pork chops, baked potatos, zucchini casserole - all delicious. I only ate a small pork chop and that was big for me since I love grilled pork chops. Then she busted out homemade apple pie with ice cream! O.M.G. First,let me say I'm so very proud of my 20 year old daughter making homemade apple pie with HOMEMADE CRUST, but when I tasted it... it was amazing! I had a tiny piece with a tiny bit of vanilla ice cream. Another NSV for me. I could have easily eaten another helping of everything but I stopped when I was satisfied instead of full.
After dinner we went to the park near her house and walked for 45 minutes. It was nice to get out of the house and have supper cooked for me for a change but the best part was visiting with my daughter.
So, after all that I was pleasantly surprised to see the scale go down this morning. Gotta keep the ball rolling in the right direction. Let's make it a great day!
Down a little today - yay! I'm going to force water and exercise today. I think I may walk again this evening if it's nice out - there is a small chance of rain.
Last evening my DD invited me over for dinner - she made grilled pork chops, baked potatos, zucchini casserole - all delicious. I only ate a small pork chop and that was big for me since I love grilled pork chops. Then she busted out homemade apple pie with ice cream! O.M.G. First,let me say I'm so very proud of my 20 year old daughter making homemade apple pie with HOMEMADE CRUST, but when I tasted it... it was amazing! I had a tiny piece with a tiny bit of vanilla ice cream. Another NSV for me. I could have easily eaten another helping of everything but I stopped when I was satisfied instead of full.
After dinner we went to the park near her house and walked for 45 minutes. It was nice to get out of the house and have supper cooked for me for a change but the best part was visiting with my daughter.
So, after all that I was pleasantly surprised to see the scale go down this morning. Gotta keep the ball rolling in the right direction. Let's make it a great day!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Two Steps Back
This mornings weight = 238.0 That was hard to own up to but I have to face the music. I did not exercise at all over the weekend and I did not eat well. I didn't eat junk food but I ate way too much. Anyway, the results are still the same.
I know I was emotionally eating. I was thinking about how I miss my mom and my daughter and how I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I was even thinking about my failed marriage and what might have been. I think all these feelings came up becasue I was bored and lonely. I did journal about it but it was after I had already eaten too much. I just needed to get those feelings out of me.
I kept thinking of Sunny telling me to "fluff my nest", so I did just that. I dug out some different house decorations and rearranged some furniture. I don't have money for a new comforter set so I flipped my reversable one on the other side. I spiffed and freshened up the whole house the best I could with what I had. I need to must quit dwelling on what was and make the most of today. How can I move forward if my mind is still in the past? It's holding me back emotionally and physically. Time to shut down the pity party and make things happen and move onto the next stage of my life. I know this is what I need to do but I'm not sure how to do it. I do know that I need to focus on myself and being the best me that I can be.
I know I was emotionally eating. I was thinking about how I miss my mom and my daughter and how I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I was even thinking about my failed marriage and what might have been. I think all these feelings came up becasue I was bored and lonely. I did journal about it but it was after I had already eaten too much. I just needed to get those feelings out of me.
I kept thinking of Sunny telling me to "fluff my nest", so I did just that. I dug out some different house decorations and rearranged some furniture. I don't have money for a new comforter set so I flipped my reversable one on the other side. I spiffed and freshened up the whole house the best I could with what I had. I need to must quit dwelling on what was and make the most of today. How can I move forward if my mind is still in the past? It's holding me back emotionally and physically. Time to shut down the pity party and make things happen and move onto the next stage of my life. I know this is what I need to do but I'm not sure how to do it. I do know that I need to focus on myself and being the best me that I can be.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Trying.
Todays weigh in = 236.2 This week I kept going back and forth between a couple of pounds and today I weigh exactly the same as I did last Friday. UGH! Nothing I can do but keep pushing forward. Monday is my official weigh in day and I'd love to be able to report a good number.
My eating has been great and I walked 2 miles yesterday and did about 10 minutes of kettlebell exercises. Wednesday evening I walked 3 miles, so exercise has been good, too. Still chugging water and eating 1300 calories or less a day. I don't know why the scale won't cooperate...
Thank goodness today is Friday! As usual, no plans for the weekend. I'm setting my exercise goal for the weekend for one hour each day. I NEED to see 235 on the scale by Monday. COME ON!!!
Have a great weekend! :)
My eating has been great and I walked 2 miles yesterday and did about 10 minutes of kettlebell exercises. Wednesday evening I walked 3 miles, so exercise has been good, too. Still chugging water and eating 1300 calories or less a day. I don't know why the scale won't cooperate...
Thank goodness today is Friday! As usual, no plans for the weekend. I'm setting my exercise goal for the weekend for one hour each day. I NEED to see 235 on the scale by Monday. COME ON!!!
Have a great weekend! :)
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Yummy Sandwich
Todays weight = 236.4I made the most delicious sandwich yesterday, OMG, I am drooling thinking about it. It is french bread with most of the inside torn out, pesto, grilled eggplant, tomatoes and a slice of provolone cheese then I put it on my grill pan weighed down by an iron skillet until the cheese melts so it makes a panini. Delish! According to my calculations it is only around 396 calories. (I found the recipe here.)
Tonight I'm walking in the park with my daughter for exercise. Chatting and walking, chatting and walking...
Monday, August 6, 2012
Eat more, lose more?
I was frustrated to say the least when I got on the scale this morning only to see 237.0. (Yes, up .6 from yesterday.) I've been eating OP for almost two weeks, no cheating. I've also been exercising at least 30 minutes, six days a week and chugging water like someone that has been in the desert and the scale has been steadily going up. WTF???
So... I looked around on the net this morning and I think I may not have been eating enough. WTH? I found out my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR - the number of calories that your body burns at rest, just existing). Then according to how active you are, you come up with how many calories that you can eat a day to maintain (for me that is 2,466). So, in order to lose weight you simply eat less calories than your maintenance calories. I've been eating right around 1,200 calories every day for almost two weeks now, which I thought was great. Was I wrong? I just discovered this morning that is is not recommended to go 1,000 calories lower than your maintenence calories each day (for me that would be 1,466) and that you should never go below 1,200 calories a day, that is considered to be unhealthy. That being said, and even though it seems very weird to me, I'm going to actually UP my calories to about 1,400 a day for a few days and see what happens. Confused yet?? I know, me too.
I don't know if I'm on the right track or not, but I guess i will find out. Have any of you ever come across this same thing?
Let's see how this little experiment works. Wish me luck!
If you're interested in checking out the BMR calculator you can find it here. Once you find your BMR you can check your daily caloric needs for maintenance here. Then you can find your caloric intake to lose weight here.
So... I looked around on the net this morning and I think I may not have been eating enough. WTH? I found out my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR - the number of calories that your body burns at rest, just existing). Then according to how active you are, you come up with how many calories that you can eat a day to maintain (for me that is 2,466). So, in order to lose weight you simply eat less calories than your maintenance calories. I've been eating right around 1,200 calories every day for almost two weeks now, which I thought was great. Was I wrong? I just discovered this morning that is is not recommended to go 1,000 calories lower than your maintenence calories each day (for me that would be 1,466) and that you should never go below 1,200 calories a day, that is considered to be unhealthy. That being said, and even though it seems very weird to me, I'm going to actually UP my calories to about 1,400 a day for a few days and see what happens. Confused yet?? I know, me too.
I don't know if I'm on the right track or not, but I guess i will find out. Have any of you ever come across this same thing?
Let's see how this little experiment works. Wish me luck!
If you're interested in checking out the BMR calculator you can find it here. Once you find your BMR you can check your daily caloric needs for maintenance here. Then you can find your caloric intake to lose weight here.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Slow but sure
Todays weight = 236.4 Well, My goal was to hit 235 by today but I didn't make it. I did, however, lose 1.8 pounds this week - so yay for that!
I got a little discouraged this weekend when the scale went up one full pound, for reasons unknown to me. I know how the scale can fluctuate alot, so I didn't let it get me down and just kept pushing forward. I know that I stayed within my calories (I didn't go over 1200) and I drank so much water that my pee is clear, and I exercised every day, so nothing to do but keep pushing forward. I did alot of ab exercises this weekend and they are SORE. I have abs in there somewhere, lol.
I didn't feel as bad when I saw that I'd lost 1.8 since last Monday so that's what I'm focusing on. I'm also focusing on seeing 235 on the scale.
Hope you all had a great weekend, and here's to a great week!
I got a little discouraged this weekend when the scale went up one full pound, for reasons unknown to me. I know how the scale can fluctuate alot, so I didn't let it get me down and just kept pushing forward. I know that I stayed within my calories (I didn't go over 1200) and I drank so much water that my pee is clear, and I exercised every day, so nothing to do but keep pushing forward. I did alot of ab exercises this weekend and they are SORE. I have abs in there somewhere, lol.
I didn't feel as bad when I saw that I'd lost 1.8 since last Monday so that's what I'm focusing on. I'm also focusing on seeing 235 on the scale.
Hope you all had a great weekend, and here's to a great week!
Friday, August 3, 2012
The day we've all been waiting for...
... is finally here - FRIDAY! TGIF for sure!
Not much to report. My weight was exactly the same this morning, for some reason that aggravates me when that happens, it just seems so odd to weigh exactly the same two days in a row. Better than a gain though!
My eating was OP yesterday and I did 30 minutes of random exercises in the house. I've decided that Friday will be my day off from exercising, so YIPPEE! No exercise tonight!
I wanted to mention something I've noticed. I used to get what I thought was a tension headache almost everyday at the base of my skull. Since I've been chugging water lately, I've noticed that I don't get these headaches at all anymore. I've also noticed that my joints aren't as stiff after I sit for a while or when I get out of bed. I'm sure this has to do with the water. My body is probably like, "Finally, she is giving me what I need." Would we do without watering our droopy plants that need water? No. So why don't we do the same for our body so that it can function properly?
I don't have anything planned for the weekend, just the usual house cleaning and laundry. My goal is to get in a full hour of exercise on Saturday and Sunday. No problem, I will just split it up into 2 sessions. I'm not that far from my first mini goal of 235 so I hope to reach it by Monday.
Make it a great day and Happy Friday!
Not much to report. My weight was exactly the same this morning, for some reason that aggravates me when that happens, it just seems so odd to weigh exactly the same two days in a row. Better than a gain though!
My eating was OP yesterday and I did 30 minutes of random exercises in the house. I've decided that Friday will be my day off from exercising, so YIPPEE! No exercise tonight!
I wanted to mention something I've noticed. I used to get what I thought was a tension headache almost everyday at the base of my skull. Since I've been chugging water lately, I've noticed that I don't get these headaches at all anymore. I've also noticed that my joints aren't as stiff after I sit for a while or when I get out of bed. I'm sure this has to do with the water. My body is probably like, "Finally, she is giving me what I need." Would we do without watering our droopy plants that need water? No. So why don't we do the same for our body so that it can function properly?
I don't have anything planned for the weekend, just the usual house cleaning and laundry. My goal is to get in a full hour of exercise on Saturday and Sunday. No problem, I will just split it up into 2 sessions. I'm not that far from my first mini goal of 235 so I hope to reach it by Monday.
Make it a great day and Happy Friday!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Long Week
I don't know about you but this has been one long work week for me. I'm ready for the weekend!
Yesterday was another OP day with eating (I haven't gone over 1200 calories for a week) and exercising. I've given myself the goal to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Yesterday I didn't feel like walking so I just did random exercises (kettlebell, abs, stretching) in the house for 30 minutes while I watched Seinfeld. I've gotten into the habit of watching the Seinfeld reruns that come on at 7 and 7:30, lol.
This morning I weighed in at 236.2. I'm down 4.2 pounds in a week. Yay! This is the first time in forever that I have actually lost weight with TOM. :)
Let's make it a great, on-point day!
Yesterday was another OP day with eating (I haven't gone over 1200 calories for a week) and exercising. I've given myself the goal to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Yesterday I didn't feel like walking so I just did random exercises (kettlebell, abs, stretching) in the house for 30 minutes while I watched Seinfeld. I've gotten into the habit of watching the Seinfeld reruns that come on at 7 and 7:30, lol.
This morning I weighed in at 236.2. I'm down 4.2 pounds in a week. Yay! This is the first time in forever that I have actually lost weight with TOM. :)
Let's make it a great, on-point day!
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