What happened?

What happened that I gained 40 of the 60 pounds back that I had lost? I simply stopped trying. Here's the story...

Last year I started out pretty strong but I quickly started losing momentum and it went down hill from there. I got tired of counting calories, reading labels, exercising, telling myself that I couldn't eat this or that. So I started out just eating a little more and exercising a little less and before long I was out of control - again. I must say that I honestly did enjoy the break. Eating whatever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted was glorious for a while. I kept telling myself that I would get back on track on "Monday". Always Glorious Monday, but Glorious Monday never came. Oh, I had good intentions. I would get back on track for a day or two but quickly fall back off the wagon. I read Dr. Phil and Tom Green books on weight loss and emotional eating. I watched weight loss shows and read weight loss/fitness magazines to try to get inspired again. I even shelled out a chunk of money for five months of prepaid Weight Watchers coupons telling myself that this would keep me accountable if I had to report to the meetings and I wouldn't want to waste the money that I had already shelled out. Still, I found it hard to stay motivated and I didn't have the patience the learn the new program so it wasn't long before I blew that off, as well. I simply wasn't ready. But ready for what? To get slim and healthy? To feel better and have more energy? Why not??? WHY IN THE HELL NOT???

My clothes started getting tighter and I became more uncomfortable and I could only glance at my body in the mirror for a second, never a "full-on" look. I never would step on the scale, even though I knew I should to face the reality of what I was doing/had done to myself yet again. Then I used the excuse that I'd start after the holidays. After I had wasted 3/4 of the year why get back on track before the holidays? I always had an excuse at the ready.

Now the holidays are over. I faced the music and climbed on the scale and discovered that I had gained a little over 40 pounds back. I was not surprised at all. I knew where I was headed all along but somehow I didn't care. I had let food control me again. I could feel my fat rolls returning. I could feel my shoes getting tighter and see my disgusting swollen ankles. I felt sluggish and my joints felt stiff. I'm out of breath when I walk up the steps again. I had to buy larger clothes because the smaller ones (the same ones that I was so excited when they were getting baggy) were now too small. I had gotten rid of my "fat clothes" before because I swore that I would never be that size again and here I was with nothing to wear because I had become that size again.

I think back to where I was and how far I had come. I had started out at 242 and had successfully dieted down to 179. I felt incredible. I felt slim and strong and healthy, younger, more attractive, I had more energy. I remember how I was so excited because I was finally able to see my collarbone again. Well, it is gone. I think about where I could be now if only I had stuck to it. I was only 14 pounds away from my goal weight and I stopped. Why? I know that I was sick of dieting but why did I actually put the weight back on and not maintain? Was I self-sabotaging? Did I feel more secure hiding behind the fat? Did I feel that I would never be able to maintain the weight loss so I might as well just get fat again? Do I enjoy eating too much and let food control me again? Yes. Yes to all of it.

So that's the story. I came back to the people who have always supported me unconditionally and inspired me daily. I've talked to my daughter about you like you are a good friend that lives down the street. So, I'm reaching out to you for support and inspiration again. I have absolutely no doubt that I will find it.

Starting weight 222.8 (gulp). I can do this. Again.