I'm feeling pretty good these days.
It feels good to take care of me for once. It feels good to have a plan and to work towards a goal. It feels good to see progress. It feels good to scratch some things off my to-do list. It feels good that yesterday I took a vacation day and went shopping out of town with my daughter. It feels good to treat myself to something other than food. It feels good to be back on track. It feels good to be me for once. It feels good to be thankful for another day.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Move Forward
This mornings weight = 241.0. I'm happy to report that I've lost 5 pounds since I got back on track. Yay!
I've been working on gaining control of my eating and exercise. I've been switching things up everyday with exercise so I don't get bored. I feel more in control these days and I like it.
Several days ago I went for my second visit with the counselor and we continued to talk about the empty nest and emotional eating. She asked me what I've been doing about it and then said to me several times, "You've got this! You've got this!" That made me feel good and like I'm on the right track. I told her that I still have that feeling like I'm in a rut that I can't seem to get out of. She said to imagine yourself in a rut with really high sides to the right and left of you and a road straight ahead of you. What is the easiest way out? To move forward. LOVE IT!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Digging Myself Out
I feel like I may be digging myself out of the rut that I'm in. I'm slowly starting to feel better and more in control. I've been exercising and eating healthy lately and that has greatly improved my mood and outlook - not to mention more energy already.
I've been alternating different exercises to keep from getting bored. I've done kettlebell and kickboxing dvds and last night I went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood. It was chilly and getting dark but I bundled up and went anyway. It felt good to get out in the fresh, crisp air. There was a chilly breeze and I could smell leaves and fresh cut grass. Love it - it's like aromatherapy.
I still have a problem staying away from the scale but I know that I need to so I won't drive myself insane with the daily fluctuations. I'm happy to report, though, that I've had a loss for the past three days. I weighed in at 242.2 this morning. I know that the daily losses will not continue so I must stay away from the scale for fear of seeing a gain and then I'll be discouraged again. I need to set a day once a week that I will weigh and just work my ass off all week to see a loss on that day. It would be more exciting to see a bigger loss once a week anyway, rather than tiny losses every couple days (and, of course, the dreaded fluctuations). I think I will set the weigh day for Monday that way I will have more motivation to stay in control over the weekend.
Straight after work today I go for my second appointment with the counselor. I'm not sure if I want to continue to go yet, but I thought I'd give it another shot and see how I feel after this appointment. I would like to try to talk about why I keep worrying about things that aren't even true, or things that I fear might happen. That is where I keep sabatoging myself. I need to focus on today. It's hard to focus on myself after I've put myself on the back burner for years; it almost seems selfish, but it's not. I know that being the best me that I can be would put me in a better position to be there for my family, as well.
So, my goal for today is to get through the therpay appointment and to still get 30 minutes of exercise in even though I'll be getting home late. I can do this. One day at a time.
I've been alternating different exercises to keep from getting bored. I've done kettlebell and kickboxing dvds and last night I went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood. It was chilly and getting dark but I bundled up and went anyway. It felt good to get out in the fresh, crisp air. There was a chilly breeze and I could smell leaves and fresh cut grass. Love it - it's like aromatherapy.
I still have a problem staying away from the scale but I know that I need to so I won't drive myself insane with the daily fluctuations. I'm happy to report, though, that I've had a loss for the past three days. I weighed in at 242.2 this morning. I know that the daily losses will not continue so I must stay away from the scale for fear of seeing a gain and then I'll be discouraged again. I need to set a day once a week that I will weigh and just work my ass off all week to see a loss on that day. It would be more exciting to see a bigger loss once a week anyway, rather than tiny losses every couple days (and, of course, the dreaded fluctuations). I think I will set the weigh day for Monday that way I will have more motivation to stay in control over the weekend.
Straight after work today I go for my second appointment with the counselor. I'm not sure if I want to continue to go yet, but I thought I'd give it another shot and see how I feel after this appointment. I would like to try to talk about why I keep worrying about things that aren't even true, or things that I fear might happen. That is where I keep sabatoging myself. I need to focus on today. It's hard to focus on myself after I've put myself on the back burner for years; it almost seems selfish, but it's not. I know that being the best me that I can be would put me in a better position to be there for my family, as well.
So, my goal for today is to get through the therpay appointment and to still get 30 minutes of exercise in even though I'll be getting home late. I can do this. One day at a time.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Maintaining (or regaining) Control
Sometimes (a lot of the time) I feel like I'm out of control. Out of control with my life - not knowing what's next for me; definitely out of control with eating; out of control with more-of-the-same-feelings - like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of; out of control with worrying about things that haven't even happened yet - just scenarios that I make up in my mind that aren't even true - like I will be alone for the rest of my life, and I will always be fat so why even try to lose weight coz I'm only going to fail. It's time to stop.
It's well past the time for me to regain control of my life. I only get one shot and I'm letting fat dictate my future. Why? I'm the one that's in control. I have the power to turn my life around for the better. I have the power to be the best me that I can be.
I need to develop a more positive attitude. I used to think that I had a pretty great attitude until I gained the weight back. Until I became an empty-nester and suddenly found myself alone, fat and feeling unwanted. I need to quit worrying about things that I have no control over and focus on the things that I CAN control.
Here are several things that bother/worry me and what I CAN do about it:
Empty Nest - Continue to do things with my DD at least once a week, talking (more like texting) daily. Realize that just because she moved out on her own that she is still my daughter, will always be, and still needs me, just in a different way. Be thankful that we are still very close.
Pity party that I'm alone - Take advantage of all this free time to feather my nest and to continue working on myself inside and out so that when Mr. Right does come along that I will be the most amazing girlfriend to one lucky man.
Fat - Focus on one day at a time, instead of the overwhelimg big picture. Discover new LF/LC recipes that I can make so I don't get bored with food. Exercise at least 5 days a week that will help me to lose weight and also greatly improve my mood.
Exercise - Look at it as somthing that I get to do, instead of looking at it as a chore. Remember how I used to love to walk and how it was my me-time and would never fail to clear my mind - almost like meditation. Be thankful that even though I'm obese that I have no aches and pains and my body still works for me. Exercise to "give back" to my body.
Worrying about what I don't have - Focus on what I DO have and what is going right in my life. Write in gratitude journal daily.
Dreading the holidays now that I live alone - Still decorate for the holidays and listen to holiday music. I can still have people over for get togethers and baking parties with my DD and sister. At Christmas time I can get out and look around in the stores (even if my shopping is done) to keep in the Christmas spirit. Ride around listening to holiday music and look at Christmas lights. Go to a play or choral concert with friends. Create new traditions.
Just because my life is changing doesn't mean it has to be bad. In fact, I can make it pretty awesome, if I try.
It's well past the time for me to regain control of my life. I only get one shot and I'm letting fat dictate my future. Why? I'm the one that's in control. I have the power to turn my life around for the better. I have the power to be the best me that I can be.
I need to develop a more positive attitude. I used to think that I had a pretty great attitude until I gained the weight back. Until I became an empty-nester and suddenly found myself alone, fat and feeling unwanted. I need to quit worrying about things that I have no control over and focus on the things that I CAN control.
Here are several things that bother/worry me and what I CAN do about it:
Empty Nest - Continue to do things with my DD at least once a week, talking (more like texting) daily. Realize that just because she moved out on her own that she is still my daughter, will always be, and still needs me, just in a different way. Be thankful that we are still very close.
Pity party that I'm alone - Take advantage of all this free time to feather my nest and to continue working on myself inside and out so that when Mr. Right does come along that I will be the most amazing girlfriend to one lucky man.
Fat - Focus on one day at a time, instead of the overwhelimg big picture. Discover new LF/LC recipes that I can make so I don't get bored with food. Exercise at least 5 days a week that will help me to lose weight and also greatly improve my mood.
Exercise - Look at it as somthing that I get to do, instead of looking at it as a chore. Remember how I used to love to walk and how it was my me-time and would never fail to clear my mind - almost like meditation. Be thankful that even though I'm obese that I have no aches and pains and my body still works for me. Exercise to "give back" to my body.
Worrying about what I don't have - Focus on what I DO have and what is going right in my life. Write in gratitude journal daily.
Dreading the holidays now that I live alone - Still decorate for the holidays and listen to holiday music. I can still have people over for get togethers and baking parties with my DD and sister. At Christmas time I can get out and look around in the stores (even if my shopping is done) to keep in the Christmas spirit. Ride around listening to holiday music and look at Christmas lights. Go to a play or choral concert with friends. Create new traditions.
Just because my life is changing doesn't mean it has to be bad. In fact, I can make it pretty awesome, if I try.
Starting to Feel Better
I've slowly started exercising again as well as taking vitamins again and getting my water in. My pee is clear again so that's good. Over the weekend I walked outside, huffing and puffing, but that's okay. I forced myself to keep up a brisk pace. Yesterday I did the kettlebell workout and I'm sore from it today, but a good sore. At least I know something is happening with my body. I think tonight I'm going to do a kickboxing dvd. Right now I'm going to just aim for exercising at least 30 minutes/day, five days/week.
I haven't slept well for about a week. I wake up to pee alot and I toss and turn alot. Last night was pretty rough. I'm hoping that the exercise will help me sleep better. I know that a large part of me not resting well is because I sleep with the tv on so I don't get the creeps (44 year old baby) and the light from the tv is not doing me any favors. I've tried sleeping with music on low, the fan on, and other stuff but I get too creeped out in a silent, dark house alone at night. Oye...something's gotta' give.
I made that baked potato soup that I said I was going to try and it is yummy and filling. I will definitely make it again. Yesterday it was only 45 ° for the high temperature and it was only 62° in my house so I broke down and turned the heat on.
I weighed in at 244.2 this morning, down 1.8 from the last time I weighed. I need to keep off the scale for a while so I don't get discouraged, maybe only weighing once a week.
I haven't slept well for about a week. I wake up to pee alot and I toss and turn alot. Last night was pretty rough. I'm hoping that the exercise will help me sleep better. I know that a large part of me not resting well is because I sleep with the tv on so I don't get the creeps (44 year old baby) and the light from the tv is not doing me any favors. I've tried sleeping with music on low, the fan on, and other stuff but I get too creeped out in a silent, dark house alone at night. Oye...something's gotta' give.
I made that baked potato soup that I said I was going to try and it is yummy and filling. I will definitely make it again. Yesterday it was only 45 ° for the high temperature and it was only 62° in my house so I broke down and turned the heat on.
I weighed in at 244.2 this morning, down 1.8 from the last time I weighed. I need to keep off the scale for a while so I don't get discouraged, maybe only weighing once a week.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Motivation is Returning
THANK GOD that I can feel my motivation returning! I knew that I had to get it back somehow and nothing was going to get it back to me but me. I've been scouring the internet and reading weight loss stories and blogs for inspiration. I've also been reading low calorie cooking blogs trying to find some new things to make so I can eat healthy without feeling deprived. It is only supposed to be in the 50s on Sunday and rainy so I want to make soup. I'm going to give this recipe a try. I've made several recipes from this site and they've all been good.
I'm going to force at least 30 minutes of exercise in each day this weekend, hoping that I'll feel so good that I go for more. I've got to start making things happen again instead of letting the world pass my fat ass by. I know that food is not my friend and I must stop looking at it as anything except fuel for my body but I know that it will take time to change my mindset. I will journal about my feelings when I feel the urge to overeat. I will reward myself with things other than food. I need to stop thinking (somehow) about food so many times a day. I give food too much power. I need to take my power back.
I've tried to talk to a couple of my girlfriends about weight loss and my struggles but they just aren't interested. One is very overweight herself (alot heavier than me). She doesn't say much; in fact, very little. I think that she is afraid that me talking about it will force her to face her own weight issues that she's not ready to confront. That's why I like it here; this place is specifically for that. I can talk about everything with no filter and get such great support.
I feel alot better lately with what I thought might be depression over empty nest/mid-life stuff. I firmly believe it was all being caused by severe PMS or perimenopausal stuff. When I was feeling that way I was in the middle of having my period for 12 straight days!!!!!!!!!!!! When that left, the symptoms left. I've researched some natural stuff online (black cohosh and St. John's wort and a few others) but I'm not sure about trying it yet - especially since the symptoms have diminished.
One of these days I'd like to meet a man again that I can be with for the rest of my life. Sitting in the house getting fatter will not lead me to him. Now is the time that I should be working on myself, making myself better inside and out so that I can attract a mate when the time comes. Lord knows that I have alot of free time so I need to use it to focus on being the best me that I can be. You gotta have good bait to catch a good fish, right?
So, wish me luck success as my motivation returns. I'm starting to feel better. It's up to me to turn things around. Only I have the power. I can do this.
I knew that I had to face the reality of what I am doing to myself so I finally got on the scale this morning. 246. I can do this.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Mind Games
I feel like I'm playing mind games with myself. I know what I need to do to get back on track but for some reason I can't seem to do it. I know that I'm only sabatoging myself and that it's a battle that I'm fighting myself in my mind. Why do I continue to do it when I feel like crap and know in my heart that eating right and exercise will help me to feel better inside and out? Am I afraid off success? Afraid of failure? Too lazy? Self esteem too low? I keep telling myself that I will start tomorrow, but I never do. I keep taking the easy way out and do nothing. Meanwhile, I'm getting fatter and more unhealthy and this contrubutes to lower self esteem and more emotional eating. What a roller coaster.
I know this is just a mind game that I play with myself and that I have the power to overcome it by changing my way of thinking. SO WHY DON'T I DO IT????
What have you done to change your way of thinking so that you quit self-sabotaging?
ETA: So after I posted this I hopped over to check out Bitchcakes' blog and she had a great post about this very topic. She has the most amazing self confidence that just oozes right out of her posts. Thanks Bitchcakes for giving me what I needed, right when I needed it.
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