You Guessed it...

...I haven't been doing well.  Being MIA is almost always the tell-tale sign that we've been off track.

I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me why I'll be doing so well for a week or two and then I let one poor choice snowball until I gain some weight and feel like shit again. It's the same old pattern over and over again that I can't seem to shake.

There are several things that I have been letting bother me and I've been emotional eating becasue of them: 

Living alone for the first time during the holidays and not having much family around

Some financial stress

Finally being close to have enough $ scraped up so that I can get divorced once and for all after being seperated for almost 6 years

Still somewhat having the "what now?" feeling

I NEED to focus on me FOR ONCE.  Getting myself right inside and out.  I know this and I always say this and start with the best of intentions and then get sucked right back into the self-sabotaging vortex.  I need to dig deeper inside to find out why.

Dreams

 

 

I must be thinking about getting another man in my subconscious because last night I dreamt that I was running a 5k in only a t-shirt and my underware and I was so embarrassed.  Well, I was running and I ran into Carter Oosterhouse from HGTV!  He pulled me aside to talk to him and wasn’t phased about me being in my underware and he gave me his phone number and then I kissed him on the neck.  I ran away and was so freakin' excited that this hunky man was interested in me.

 

I woke up thinking that I dreamt about the underware because I’m worried about how other people see me and running because I need to exercise and lose weight to get a half decent man. This is a signal that I need to get in gear!

Self-Sabatoge?

 

Yesterday was my weekly weigh in day.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I actually gained a pound.  :(  I was doing so well up to Sunday and then I gave in to boredom and did some emotional eating.  Sunday is my worst day of the week - so long and boring and lonely. I planned on exercising but instead I just watched Lifetime movies all day. One of my mistakes is that I had this mix in my pantry for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and I caved and made them.  I thought that I could be strong and ration them out and eat only one after my meals for something sweet.  Wrong.  I had a mini binge on them Sunday night which totally ruined my weigh in.  I also ate the chow mein noodles that I had bought for the asian salad.  I'm a hog for chips and didn't have any so I ate the noodles instead because I was craving something crunchy.  I knew what I was doing while I was eating that stuff but I didn't stop. I knew that I was ruining my weigh in for the next morning.  I have to wonder if something in the back of my mind made me self-sabatoge.  Maybe I was thinking that I can't lose weight so why even try to have a good weigh in so I may as well eat.  I don't know... I must move forward with positive thoughts.  I threw away the rest of the cookies last night.  I know that I cannot be trusted with that stuff in the house so I must not buy any more.  It's like an alcoholic having liquor in the house.  Remove the temptation.

Last night was gorgeous out so after dinner I went for a nice long walk by myself.  It felt good to move and to get out in the fresh air and clear my mind.  It felt good to work toward my goal instead of doing nothing.  Today is another day and I must repeat these positive actions.

Asian Chicken Salad

I always like getting recipe ideas from other bloggers so I thought I'd share one with you.  I made the most amazing salad using this Kraft Sizzling Salads sauce and dressing. Above is a picture of what I made last night.

I used fresh spinach, mandarin oranges, chow mein noodles, sliced almonds, chicken breast sauted in the teriyaki ginger sauce and sprinkled with sesame seeds.  Then I used the toasted sesame dressing that comes in the pack.  Yum!  I'm going to have this again for dinner tonight.  There is alot of sauce in the pack, probably enough for two more times.  I will definitely buy this again. 



 I've been staying on track and plan to do alot of exercise this weekend.  Monday is weigh-in day.  We'll see..

Have a glorious weekend, everybody.

Feelin' Good

I'm feeling pretty good these days. 

It feels good to take care of me for once.  It feels good to have a plan and to work towards a goal.  It feels good to see progress.  It feels good to scratch some things off my to-do list.  It feels good that yesterday I took a vacation day and went shopping out of town with my daughter.  It feels good to treat myself to something other than food.   It feels good to be back on track.  It feels good to be me for once.  It feels good to be thankful for another day.

Move Forward

This mornings weight = 241.0.  I'm happy to report that I've lost 5 pounds since I got back on track.  Yay!

I've been working on gaining control of my eating and exercise.  I've been switching things up everyday with exercise so I don't get bored.  I feel more in control these days and I like it.

Several days ago I went for my second visit with the counselor and we continued to talk about the empty nest and emotional eating.  She asked me what I've been doing about it and then said to me several times, "You've got this!  You've got this!"  That made me feel good and like I'm on the right track.  I told her that I still have that feeling like I'm in a rut that I can't seem to get out of.  She said to imagine yourself in a rut with really high sides to the right and left of you and a road straight ahead of you.  What is the easiest way out?  To move forward.  LOVE IT!!!

Digging Myself Out

I feel like I may be digging myself out of the rut that I'm in.  I'm slowly starting to feel better and more in control.  I've been exercising and eating healthy lately and that has greatly improved my mood and outlook - not to mention more energy already.

I've been alternating different exercises to keep from getting bored.  I've done kettlebell and kickboxing dvds and last night I went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood.  It was chilly and getting dark but I bundled up and went anyway.  It felt good to get out in the fresh, crisp air.  There was a chilly breeze and I could smell leaves and fresh cut grass.  Love it - it's like aromatherapy.

I still have a problem staying away from the scale but I know that I need to so I won't drive myself insane with the daily fluctuations.  I'm happy to report, though, that I've had a loss for the past three days.  I weighed in at 242.2 this morning.  I know that the daily losses will not continue so I must stay away from the scale for fear of seeing a gain and then I'll be discouraged again.  I need to set a day once a week that I will weigh and just work my ass off all week to see a loss on that day.  It would be more exciting to see a bigger loss once a week anyway, rather than tiny losses every couple days (and, of course, the dreaded fluctuations).  I think I will set the weigh day for Monday that way I will have more motivation to stay in control over the weekend.

Straight after work today I go for my second appointment with the counselor.  I'm not sure if I want to continue to go yet, but I thought I'd give it another shot and see how I feel after this appointment.  I would like to try to talk about why I keep worrying about things that aren't even true, or things that I fear might happen.  That is where I keep sabatoging myself. I need to focus on today.  It's hard to focus on myself after I've put myself on the back burner for years; it almost seems selfish, but it's not.  I know that being the best me that I can be would put me in a better position to be there for my family, as well.

So, my goal for today is to get through the therpay appointment and to still get 30 minutes of exercise in even though I'll be getting home late.  I can do this.  One day at a time.