Back to work today after being off for snow days and spring break. I'm ashamed to admit that I have not tracked my food or exercised the whole time that I've been away from this blog. I waste so much time with this back and forth shit. I wish I could be one of these people who just sets their mind to losing weight and then just keeps going at it until they hit goal. I ALWAYS flop back and forth and I know that's something emotional going on.
The other day I was flicking through tv channels and I came across this show on MTV - True Life: I'm Addicted to Food. One of the girls on there went to a counselor and was told that she "...needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable". Meaning that the first time that she starts feeling an emotion that she shouldn't reach for food. To just let yourself feel the emotion, no matter how uncomfortable, until it passes without stuffing it down with food. That's what I did a few years back when I lost alot of weight and that's what I need to do again. The counselor suggested that she go on a fast and not eat for 20 hours just to prove to herself that food didn't have power over her and that she could work through all of the emotions without food. It's all mind games - against ourselves. When I think back to how much time I've wasted it makes me sick, but every day is a learning experience. I've got to keep pushing forward. At least I never give up.
Last evening I wrote down several reasons why I think I can't lose weight and why I emotionally eat. The biggest one is that I don't believe in myself so I wrote down a list of things that I accomplished that I'm proud of. I also think that I'm not worthy for some reason and I think it's because I have a fear of abandonment which made me feel like I was never good enough or mattered enough to anyone. Here's what I came up with regarding that and my answers to myself.
My father left my mom and me when I was 5 and never looked back or contacted me again. - that is not my fault, I was an innocent child and he was an alcoholic with many of his own issues. It still made me feel unwanted/unloved.
My mom died of cancer and "left me" before I could fully appreciate her as an adult child. - Again not my fault, or hers, it's just part of life. Live and learn and be thankful for every moment on this earth and for every moment that I spend with my own DD.
My relationship with my ex-husband; everytime we'd get into an arguement he would degrade me and tell me that he wanted a divorce so I always had a fear of being left - This is partly my fault but I realize now that he had a lot of issues of his own, but it still made me feel unwanted/unloved.
DD moving out/empty-nest syndrome - Don't look at it again as someone leaving me. I'm proud of the job I've done as a mother and raising an amazing daughter who is able to go into the world and make it on her own. In reality I wouldn't want her to come back home because that would mean that she couldn't make it on her own. Be proud of what I've accomplished and savor every second of our time together.
It's funny how we work against ourselves. None of these things were my fault but I've subconciously told myself for years that I wasn't good enough for someone to want to be part of my life. I'm getting a new outlook. I'm proud that I keep striving to learn more and that I never give up even though I've fallen many, many times. I need to be the best me that I can be for my DD and to attract Mr. Right when he comes along. More importantly, I need to be my own best friend. This post has gotten way to deep. Now on to other things...
Today I'm back to tracking and walking buddy and I are back at it this evening. Yay for the time change and we'll be able to get more walking in. Tonight is also BL which is always great for motivation. Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks. 256.8. O.M.G. I have gained 77 pounds from the lowest that I got when I was losing weight before. I needed to write that to be accountable and honest with myself.
Now, let's see what I can accomplish this week.
You're right; the most important thing is that you don't give up. Ever. I think it's good to understand how we work against ourselves. It is pretty amazing that we do so much from our subconscious that we don't even realize the why of it. Patterns get ingrained, but we always have the power to overcome them.
ReplyDeleteThe time change signifies more time to walk in the evenings and you have a walking buddy. That's a positive.
Hang in there and keep moving in the right direction.
Yeh, that got deep, but I'm sure it helps you to work through those issues.
ReplyDeleteSunny, I just read this, and I am so glad I did. That took an AMAZING amount of courage! Not only to sit with yourself, look deep inside, and face your demons....but to share it here as well.
ReplyDeleteI am SO SO SO proud of you! It's several major steps forward in healing yourself. Once you start doing that, food will lose all of it's (soothing) power over you. Once you realize the real soother is to get healthy and be proud of yourself....food loses its power over you! :D <3
Excellent work on trying to figure out the emotional aspects of this. And congratulations on facing the scale ...
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