HAPPY SPRING!

HAPPY GLORIOUS FIRST DAY OF SPRING!!!

Today I'm posting first thing before I dive into the mountain of work that's waiting for me.  I don't know what broke loose at work but there is no end in sight. 

This morning the scale was down again and I weighed in at 251.4.  Next goal is to push through to the 240s.  I've been doing really well tracking food and sticking to my exercise schedule.  Last evening walking buddy and I walked in high winds and I'm proud that we did it.  She was walking slow and I felt like I was pulling her along and she kept saying that she couldn't keep up.  We did 2 miles and she was ready to stop.  This evening if she wants to stop and I feel like I can keep going I'll just go on without her (we drive separately).  I can't let her hold me back.  I do feel like I need to keep walking with her becasue she won't do it on her own.  That's all fine and good but I have to put me first.

I'm off to see what you all have been up to.  Make it a great day!

Quickie

Slammed at work but I wanted to post quickly that I'm down 4.2 pounds this week since I officially got back on the wagon.  Gotta love the big losses at the beginning.

Can't wait for BL tonight!  I'll catch up with everyone as soon as I come up for air.

Happy Friday!

Damn, I thought Friday was supposed to be an easy day at work.  I'm slammed today but I'm taking a few minutes to post anyway.

Yesterday I took off work to take my DD to get her wisdom teeth taken out.  Pitiful. She's glad it's over with for sure.  We get back to her house and are sitting there talking and see this smoke rolling across her front yard.  WTH????  Here the field right next door to her caught on fire! It started out small but picked up quickly because we had high winds.  It got scary for a few minutes but the fire department arrived quickly and put it out before it creeped into my DD's yard.  Turns out some asshole rode by and threw out a cigarette.

I've walked all week for 45 minutes at a time. Tonight will be my night off.  I've decided to take Fridays and Sundays off and exercise 5 days a week; that way I have a set schedule and I shouldn't get burned out either.  If I feel like doing more that will be a bonus.  I had a .6 loss on the scale this morning and weighed in at 253.8.  I've had a small loss each day all week since I started tracking again.  It makes me feel better about things to see it paying off.

The weekend is supposed to be rainy and chilly.  I don't have anything planned but the usual house cleaning and laundry.  Walking buddy knows I like retro TV shows and she gave me a season of Hazel to watch.  Remember that old show?  I love going back to a simpler time and especially looking at the house decorations and their clothes.

Have a great weekend, all!

Back in the Right Direction

Not much to report today but I wanted to post something for accountability sake.

Walked 45 minutes again last evening and tracked food again yesterday and was rewarded with a full pound loss this morning.  :)  (255.0)

It is windy today but I'm still going to force a walk this evening; at least the sun is shining.

Working on...

...getting a new mindset and getting my positive attitude back.  One day at a time. I think it will come back when I start concentrating on me again.

Yesterday I tracked my food and walked for 45 minutes with walking buddy.  It was a mild evening and I enjoyed getting outside.  This morning I had a .8 loss on the scale.  I'm going to start weighing every day again to hold me accountable and, hopefully, be inspired when I see the scale go down.

**BL Spoiler Alert**  BL was awesome last night.  I cried off and on through it.  I love when they show the videos of how far the contestants have come from day one to present.  So inspiring.  I also love every season when they make the contestants drag up a mountain all of the weight that they have lost.  That sure is an eye opener to all the extra weight that we carry around every day and think nothing of it.  The dreaded Gina is gone and next week is the finale.  I don't want this show to end!  I hope we don't have to wait too long for another season.  **End Spoiler**

Speaking of new seasons...the new season of Mad Men starts April 7 and I can't freakin' wait!  Anyone else watch?

Not much to report today and it's lunch time so I will catch up with everyone after lunch.

Back to Reality

Back to work today after being off for snow days and spring break.  I'm ashamed to admit that I have not tracked my food or exercised the whole time that I've been away from this blog.  I waste so much time with this back and forth shit.  I wish I could be one of these people who just sets their mind to losing weight and then just keeps going at it until they hit goal.  I ALWAYS flop back and forth and I know that's something emotional going on. 

The other day I was flicking through tv channels and I came across this show on MTV - True Life:  I'm Addicted to Food.  One of the girls on there went to a counselor and was told that she "...needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable".  Meaning that the first time that she starts feeling an emotion that she shouldn't reach for food.  To just let yourself feel the emotion, no matter how uncomfortable, until it passes without stuffing it down with food.  That's what I did a few years back when I lost alot of weight and that's what I need to do again. The counselor suggested that she go on a fast and not eat for 20 hours just to prove to herself that food didn't have power over her and that she could work through all of the emotions without food.  It's all mind games - against ourselves.  When I think back to how  much time I've wasted it makes me sick, but every day is a learning experience.  I've got to keep pushing forward.  At least I never give up.

Last evening I wrote down several reasons why I think I can't lose weight and why I emotionally eat.  The biggest one is that I don't believe in myself so I wrote down a list of things that I accomplished that I'm proud of.  I also think that I'm not worthy for some reason and I think it's because I have a fear of abandonment which made me feel like I was never good enough or mattered enough to anyone.  Here's what I came up with regarding that and my answers to myself.

My father left my mom and me when I was 5 and never looked back or contacted me again.  - that is not my fault, I was an innocent child and he was an alcoholic with many of his own issues.  It still made me feel unwanted/unloved.

My mom died of cancer and "left me" before I could fully appreciate her as an adult child. - Again not my fault, or hers, it's just part of life.  Live and learn and be thankful for every moment on this earth and for every moment that I spend with my own DD.

My relationship with my ex-husband; everytime we'd get into an arguement he would degrade me and tell me that he wanted a divorce so I always had a fear of being left - This is partly my fault but I realize now that he had a lot of issues of his own, but it still made me feel unwanted/unloved.

DD moving out/empty-nest syndrome - Don't look at it again as someone leaving me.  I'm proud of the job I've done as a mother and raising an amazing daughter who is able to go into the world and make it on her own.  In reality I wouldn't want her to come back home because that would mean that she couldn't make it on her own.  Be proud of what I've accomplished and savor every second of our time together.

It's funny how we work against ourselves. None of these things were my fault but I've subconciously told myself for years that I wasn't good enough for someone to want to be part of my life.  I'm getting a new outlook.  I'm proud that I keep striving to learn more and that I never give up even though I've fallen many, many times.  I need to be the best me that I can be for my DD and to attract Mr. Right when he comes along.  More importantly, I need to be my own best friend.  This post has gotten way to deep.  Now on to other things...

Today I'm back to tracking and walking buddy and I are back at it this evening.  Yay for the time change and we'll be able to get more walking in.  Tonight is also BL which is always great for motivation.  Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks.  256.8.  O.M.G. I have gained 77 pounds from the lowest that I got when I was losing weight before.  I needed to write that to be accountable and honest with myself. 

Now, let's see what I can accomplish this week.

The snow is coming!

We're supposed to get up to 18 inches of snow in the next couple of days, starting tonight.  Yes!  The university will close and I will get a nice little mini vacation, especially since we were off Friday anyway.   I have been busy with rescheduling meetings for the next couple of days.

I've been doing so-so with diet and exercise.  I've been obsessed with fixing the house up.  I need to get obsessed with the weight loss feeling again.

I did watch BL last night....  **SPOILER ALERT**  Makeover week is always so fun and I especially enjoyed seeing Tim Gunn - he is so gracious with everyone, a true gentleman.  So, the dreaded Gina made it to finals.   She could win this damn thing!  Did you notice how Ken Paves cut alot of the hair off of the contestants that had long hair?  Just becasue your hair is long it doesn't mean it's cute (I think alot of women think the opposite). **END SPOILER**   Speaking of hair cuts...

I got my hair cut short this past weekend.  This is the shortest I've ever had it.  The style is Lisa Rinna-ish.  It's okay but I think I'll like it better in about 2 weeks when it grows in a little.  I also treated myself to a few things.  I found two shirts on sale and some jewelry.  Feels good to buy for myself for a change. When I was trying the shirts on, I got a glimpse of myself in the dressing room mirror.  OYE!  I usually avoid the mirror at  home until after I'm dressed.  Maybe I needed to see myself in the harsh dressing room lights.  I need to get my ass back in gear.

That's it for today.  If I don't post tomorrow you'll know that I'm home snowed in.  If I'm off I'm going to make some vegetable soup  and cozy in.  I hope to catch up with everyone today when I get a chance.