I met my ex-husband when I was 20, got married when I was 22 and had my daughter when I was 23. We stayed married for 16 years. I think we got married too young and didn't really know how to make a relationship work so the marriage started to crumble around year 13, but we tried to hang on and make it work. Sadly we couldn't.
I was thin when I met my husband and was thin for most of the marriage. Towards the end I would eat emotionally for comfort from my failing marriage and started gaining weight. Then my mom died and I gained even more weight. My ex despised that I gained weight and would make cracks about how he won't have a fat girl for a wife - so I ate more. That showed him didn't it? The marriage continued to deteriorate.
Finally I couldn't take any more and moved out with my DD. More emotional eating and weight gain. I'd never lived on my own before and I was afraid of the unknown. Funny, after I moved out my ex and I got along good - there was no more pressure to make it work with him and I only had to answer to me now. I started following WW and exercising and weight loss followed. My ex would come to pick up my DD and would hang around long after he should have gone, bought me presents and even called to tell me that he missed me. Too little too late...the feelings were gone.
I continued to drop the weight and went on to lose 63 pounds in 2009-2010. I was still low on confidence and wouldn't go anywhere to socialize or meet friends let alone men. I'm an introvert and was mostly satisfied to be a homebody. I would talk with men but due to my low self esteem, I would quickly retreat at any sign of flirting. After all, who would want a fat divorcee?
Fast forward to 2013 and I've gained the weight back (half of which is now back off) and I'm still alone, still an introverted homebody and growing older by the minute with an empty nest. It's time for a change. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. It's time to get a life. But how do I get back out in the dating world as a fat woman without having an official date in 24 years? O.M.G!!!
Talk about scary! here are some of the thoughts that run through my head:
- I wonder how I really look to men and what they think of me.
- Even though I'm losing weight what will they think when they find out that I used to weigh 258 pounds. Will they be an ass like my ex - afraid of having a fat girl?
- Afraid of someone to see me naked again.
- I'll never find anyone "good". After all, you gotta' have good bait to catch a big fish, right?
Then on the other hand I think:
- Why are you selling yourself short? You're not as bad as you think.
- There are plenty of fat women that I see with good looking men - if they can find someone so can I. Did they find them as fat girls or did they get fat while they were with them?
- Why do I think that fat girls are unworthy of love???
Then I think: It's my low self esteem talking. I'm not as bad as I think. I'm halfway attractive, I have a good job, a nice house and car, good morals and sense of humor, don't drink or smoke, I'm working on bettering myself inside and out, I'm a good mother....Why am I selling myself short? When I compare myself to some other women I know, hell, I'm a prize! LOL
Anyway, it's a lot to think about. I guess I'll just continue to work on myself inside and out and the confidence will come and hopefully that will attract someone. But I realize that I have to be open to catching someone's eye, to maybe saying "hello" first. To getting out the house and being seen.
It's time for me to be happy and live for me. Time to share my life with/look forward to spending time with someone again.
Time to lose this weight and find myself.
First off, you aren't fat! Second of all, coming from the same type of experience, who wants a man who wouldn't love you, warts and all? If he can't see past that, and see the beauty within, he isn't worth your time.
ReplyDeleteYou're exactly right -and thanks :)
DeleteOh Sunny...shared experiences are mutually beneficial sometimes. I was 38 yrs old when my ex dumped me. I was in the military and a Master Sergeant getting ready for retirement. We had four teenage children. She left me for a German civilian co-worker, that was married, 28 years old, with a son of his own. I retired from active duty and moved to Montana and the weight gain began. I had low self esteem at this point too. I had been married since age 19. I didn't know how to date. I went over a year without trying to date. My 40th birthday was my worst ever. Instead of trying to date, I joined a single's group. It wasn't a dating service. It was a place for divorced and widowed middle age singles to meet and talk. It was structured and the meetings lasted about an hour. If you wanted to visit after the meeting you could go to the local McDonalds. This was during my (I am flat broke time) financially lean period where I was giving 50 percent of my military retirement to my ex and the other 50 percent was as child support. She didn't stay in German with her 28 yr old BF. She ended up in Arizona where she sued me for divorce and took away nearly everything.
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, I would suggest finding a single's group like I mentioned above. That is where I met and eventually married the lady I am with today. We have been married for 16 years and counting. Get back in the water and start splashing around. You have been dry docked too long;)
Marc, thanks so much for sharing your story. It definitely helps to hear from someone who's been there. A lot of people say the second marriage is way better than the first, after people "find" themselves - sounds like that was the case with you, too.
DeleteThanks so much for the great advice. I'm going to have to investigate such a group in my area.
Hi Sunny,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Gwen and Marc, who probably said it better then I ever could! When my first husband died, I became a hermit also for about 3-4 years and raised my son. Eventually I felt lonely. Like you, I figured I had nothing to lose by trying out different groups like Parents without Partners and some other local singles social groups. I also dated a couple of men who were set-ups by friends. I had one serious relationship in that time before meeting David who I am engaged to now. David and I met through an on-line widower/widow support group.
Do not sell yourself short whatever you do!! I know you have probably heard this before and it is true - confidence looks good on a woman. One of the things that I found especially when I met David and we clicked was that I had no expectations. And neither did he. We figured on just getting to know one another and being friends. I just dove in and figured on enjoying getting out of my old comfort zone. With the no expectations, I didn't put any pressure on either myself or any man I met including David. It was going for coffee or to park for a walk where there were other people. It made it easier!
Go for it! :)
Thanks, Linda. Now that I'm asking around I'm finding a lot of people who found true love over the net. I guess I'm just skeptical. I'm glad that you found a new love :)
DeleteI practically did. We worked for the same company, but on opposite sides of the country. It was years before anything developed beyond a work relationship...let alone met in person. It can work! :)
DeleteLove it! It's so good to know that it can happen.
DeleteOf course it's better! Rose colored glasses are off, and we know what we want and don't put up with the shit anymore. LOL ;)
ReplyDeleteExactly! ;)
DeleteThe same thing happened with my husband. He was with his first wife for 10 years before she left him because she hadn't "experienced" life yet. Both of my parents were married before they found each other. God has always had a plan for your life, and I know he's not planning for you to be alone. He's already chosen the guy you're supposed to be with, I am sure of that, and when you find him, he will love you for the smart, funny, kind woman that you are, not your dress size. I'll be praying you find a great group to join, that sounds like so much fun!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lydia. I keep telling myself the same thing, that the Lord will lead me to someone when the time is right. <3
DeleteAND, I have found, the time is usually the 'most right', when you are LEAST looking. I think it's an air of desperation that isn't there, that is appealing. I dunno. I just know when people 'give up', THAT is when they find their soul mate. :)
DeleteI totally agree :)
DeleteMany(actually most) guys I used to be with had a strong preference for not thin female body. I always wanted to be thinner than I was, but my guys didn't share that. How could you assume that everybody around is interested in the same type of appearance? BTW, it is always fat guys who are usually in the search of model-thin girls.
ReplyDeleteGalina, you're right, and thanks for giving me a different perspective on it. The experience that I've had with men has always been that they want thin women and that heavy was undesirable. Different strokes for different folks, thank goodness.
DeleteTry to stay away from fat guys who are not sure of themselves, it is them who most likely would put a girl down for not being picture perfect - it is all they can do for their low self esteem. Relax and get yourself into a fun mood, it is more important than turning into a model. For ages males praised curves and softness of a female body, it is natural for them , remember about it. After 40 most women look older without enough fat on their faces.
DeleteCan't say too much but I only say that my son (who will be 30 in the fall) found the love of his life thru one of those internet channels. My future daughter in law is a sweetheart and I am thrilled to see him so happy. Also my girlfriend is dating a wonderful man who she too used the same internet channel. She was skeptical about it at first but she stepped out of her comfort zone and she is so glad she did.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of people who may feel like you do but still give it a go.
Wishing you luck
Another internet love success story! Thanks for sharing! :)
DeleteIt took my mom many years to start dating after her divorce, and it was scary, but the one thing I am proud of her for doing is to NOT take crap from any new guys. She took crap from my dad for over 20 years (cheating, mental and physical abuse), now at the first sign of an issue she's OUT lol.
ReplyDeleteJust got to take the plunge hun! But be safe!